Monday, November 24, 2008

Hypothetically Speaking...

I need to tell you all something: Jack has a problem. It's a pretty serious problem and may someday result in a significant brain injury - because it's possible that eventually I'll kick him in the head.

You see, Jack LOVES throwing out impossible, ridiculous, and bizarre hypothetical situations to see what I'll answer. It seems this exercise can be prompted by any number of things, but usually is a result of me saying something absolute like "I will never eat meat ever again".

Enter Jack: "You'll never eat meat EVER again? What if the government imposed a law and you HAD to eat meat, and you could only choose 1 kind of commonly eaten animal to not eat. What would you pick?"

"That would never happen."

"But what if it did?"

"But why would the government make me eat something I don't want to eat? That doesn't even make sense. Why do they care what I eat??"

"Come on! You only get to pick one that you don't have to eat. You'd pick pigs, right?"

"I suppose, but it's never going to happen so I don't have to make a decision, now do I?"
Or sometimes I'll proclaim that I "hate" something - a real no-no in Jack's book - and I am berated with questions about hatred, even if I was just saying it willy-nilly. For example, if I say "I hate Paris Hilton and everything she stands for", Jack will create any number of scenarios in which perhaps I would NOT hate Paris Hilton.

"Would you hate her if the two of you were the only two people left on earth and you HAD to be friends?"

"Who would make us be friends if there's no one else left on earth?"

"Well, I mean if you really got to know her I bet you'd find she's a nice girl. You shouldn't say you hate her."

"But I do, is the thing. And we're not going to be the last two humans on the planet, so I don't have to worry about her changing my mind on that."

"Well, what if Spot were drowning and Paris Hilton risked her life and jumped into the ocean to save him? THEN would you hate her?"
I think it drives him nuts when I won't just answer, but as Kenneth on 30 Rock says: "I don't do hypothetical situations - that's like lying to your brain." Plus, it's kind of fun making him re-define the hypothetical again and again until he gets so frustrated he just stops. It's not a quick process, but eventually he gives up.

Jack's Two Cents: The people who now say "that would never happen" about mandated meat consumption are the same people who once said "that would never happen" when asked a hypothetical question involving a black president. Also, aren't you familiar with the importance of scenario planning, Jill? The first step in scenario planning is often to identify the worst or most unexpected scenario and then figure out how you'd respond in such a situation. When I ask you these hypothetical questions, you see, I'm really just helping prepare you to make the best decision when you actually find yourself stranded on an island with Paris Hilton. You will thank me one day.


Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

I absolutely love readinig you two!!! lol

Chief Rock Chef said...

Holy crap (I like that phrase at the moment) just imagine being stuck in a desert island with Paris Hilton! It wouldn't even be worth eating her, you would starve! And I think you could eat her as she is more vegetable than anything...

Jason said...

Jack: How would Jill thank you if she and Paris are the only ones around?

pistols at dawn said...

I think Jack putting you and Paris together is just him preparing you for him leaving one day. That's why I give hypos to girls, though usually that's short for "hypodermic needle," not "hypothetical questions." In my "dating" experience, you don't want them to be able to answer a lot of questions, hypothetical or not, or you'll have to switch underground hideouts again.

KindredSmile said...

One of my friends is also guilty of the hypotheticals. I find the easiest way to get them to stop asking is to give the most sadistic answer you could imagine, or one so random that it completely derails their train of thought. For example, a "good" response to the Paris question would be "Well, if it were only two people, then we'd probably be lovers, but not friends". Trust me, that will make Jack lose his focus, whether he's intrigued or disgusted.

Jack and Jill said...

TEE - Thanks for reading. We love that you love reading us.

CHIEF - I think technically Paris is neither made of meat nor vegetables, but PURE EVIL. That's what I hear anyway.

JASON - Excellent point.

PISTOLS - I don't like that scenario.

KINDRED - I like your style. I'll try that out.

rs27 said...

Hypothetical situations are what this world is made on.

Which is why Tracy Jordan is my favorite 30 rock character.

JenBun said...

Umm... I think Jack wants to try role-playing, Jill.


JenBun said...

"But what if you HAD to dress up as a naughty nurse and make me take my medicine?!?"

Mc Allen said...

aww, you cracked me up, I have got to use that brain injury one!! And, I cannot believe they hant called you back, it just doesnt ook good, you need to go to the press with this!!! ;) LA

Jack and Jill said...

RS27 - Tracy is great, but I'm a huge Kenneth fan too. And Mr. Donaghey too, actually. Okay, I love them all!

JENBUN - Hahahha! I love it!

MCALLEN - Thanks!