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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Ew, There's Poop in My Mouth!!?

Not long ago, Jack and I were at a friend's wedding enjoying some vino when we both decided we had to go use the bathroom. He set his wine down outside the bathroom, and I had planned to take mine in. As I was walking in, he says "you shouldn't take that wine in there."

"Why?"

"Because it's not good for you."

"I beg to differ, wine is GREAT for me!"

"I mean the molecules of stuff that will get in there."

"Molecules?" (What? I didn't do well in science, get off my back.)

"Yeah...like, if you can smell poop in the bathroom, then when you open your mouth or if you bring a beverage in there, you're basically asking to eat some poop."

"But I don't want to eat poop!....Wait, is this another one of your schemes to get me to believe something ridiculous so you can tell all your friends later and make me look like an idiot?"

He took my glass and set it down on a nearby table, swearing that he was telling the truth.

"The reason we smell things is because there are all these molecules in the air. So if you open your mouth in that bathroom, you're ingesting anything that you can smell - like poop."

I left my wine outside, but refused to believe him until I could Google that shit (pun intended). And it turns out he's kind of right. This is unfortunate because 1) I don't like it when Jack is right and I am wrong, and 2) I don't want to eat poop. Ever. And now every time I go into a stinky public bathroom, my lips are sealed as tight as possible because all I can think about is that Poop is trying to get in using its clever molecules! Well I'm onto you, Poop (not literally, that would be gross), and I'm not letting you molecule your way into my mouth. TAKE THAT!

13 comments:

Assertive Wit said...

This is the main reason I do my best to conceal my toothbrush in the medicine cabinet. I pretty much change the portable one once a month because I obsess over weather it was left out when someone went poo while I was at work LOL

rs27 said...

So when you smell Cinnabon that means you're eating Cinnabon?

My universe just exploded.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Yeah someone told me this same thing years ago and ever since I've been traumatized. I need to hold my breath around bad smells incase I accidentally "eat" them. It's like when I read about the number of bug parts in peanut butter. I haven't touched THAT since. I know they're in everything but I choose to ignore that, however, they were exceptionally common in peanut butter.

See, you wish I hadn't told you THAT now don't you? Sorry.

amindinmotown said...

Grosssssss. Yet helpful information, I suppose. Though if you use rs27's logic, cannot possibly be entirely true...

I'll have to actually read that link you posted, ha.

Shila Shila and Cult Jam said...

Body odor too.

And, I'm glad I shared that insight.

Anonymous said...

Oh Jill, you will never cease to amaze me with your hilarity! I never take my drink or food into the bathroom because, well, it's just nasty. But I never knew that those dastardly molecules were trying to infiltrate my person. Thank both you and Jack for bringing this shit to light!

-ForeverAnon

Luvvie (aka Queen IG) said...

Yeah I also clasp my mouth shut in a stinky bathroom. And my toothbrush wears a nifty hat to keep any molecules in the air from infiltrating it.

abby said...

Are you familiar with this product? Perhaps it would give you some peace of mind.

Chief Rock Chef said...

No, don't start down that route! That just leads to madness! Soon you will be wearing a gas mask when you go out (and think of what guys in cars will do when they see THAT!

Jason said...

poop is nothing. think of some messy used tampon mess in the trash. You smell it? You're eatin' it. Or vomit in the street curb. Chomp chomp chomp. Or B.O. from the person next to you.... you might as well be licking their hair.

mj said...

But, wine left outside the bathroom risks being filled with date-rape drugs. What to do?
Down your wine, then go to the BR. :)

choofy said...

Last week, I had to pee
As I recall, I couldn't wait to pee
Walked quickly into a stall
Sniffed the air and saw the foul
and I

Had poo in my mouth

M.J. said...

That's why we can say things like "this tastes like paint," without ever having gulped from the paint can or chewed on paint chips (which I strongly advise not doing in a city like mine where lead paint is a major issue).