Monday, February 16, 2009

Jack Makes Himself Unavailable

A while back I wrote a post about "Five Things that Boil My Blood."

I'd now like to add a sixth: when yoga instructors use the expression, "If it's available to you."

Here's an example:

- The instructor directs you into a fairly basic pose (e.g., Plank Pose*).

- You begin to feel good about yourself. "Hey, I got this. I can feel my core tightening. Good work, Jack."

- Then he or she drops a bombshell. "Now, if it's available to you, curl your left leg up towards your lower back and continue curling your left leg until it's resting on your right shoulder. Next, if it's available to you, curl your right leg up towards your lower back and carefully guide your leg through the space created by your left leg resting on your right shoulder. Then - and only if it's available to you - extend your left arm out in front of you until it's parallel with the ground, leaving you balancing your entire bodyweight on your right arm while your legs are coiled up in the shape of a poorly-made Bavarian pretzel. Remember, you should do this only if it's available to you."

There's just something about the expression that makes me want to go postal. It's just so...passive aggressive. Like it's a way for someone to say "there's no f'ing way you can do this" while at the same time sounding like they think you can do it.

Going forward, I think I'm going to use this expression whenever asking someone to do the near impossible. Hey, Jill, if it's available to you, win the lottery this weekend.
* If you're not familiar with plank pose, imagine that you're about to do a push-up (i.e., your arms are fully extended).

Jill Adds: Every time we're doing yoga and an instructor says this after suggesting something impossibly difficult, Jack looks at me like he might go punch her--without fail, every time. It makes me giggle. Does that make me a bad girlfriend?


Anonymous said...

Jack, if it's available to you, grow a pair and take up boxing instead of yoga as a form of exercise.

Jill, you're the best girlfriend ever, minus dragging your boyfriend to yoga.


PS - You guys are really getting better with posting more often! Kudos!

Lil' Woman said...

I wish the boyfriend would do yoga with me..I dont think he'd ever be down for that.

Anonymous said...

No Jill that doesn't mean you are a bad girlfriend. Just that you have a fabulous sense of humour.

Now if the instructor was, you know, actually torturing him then you might be in the running for title of "bad girlfriend".

Chief Rock Chef said...

Jack - I think a reply along the lines of "If it's available to you, go and get a life!"

Jill - No, that is good - it helps to defuse things.

surviving myself said...

Hahaha - anon took the words out of my mouth!

I was going to be a little nicer about it though. Just a little.

Sprite said...

What a great post. That is SO cool.

pistols at dawn said...

Rarely is yoga used as a jumping off point for anger - I like it.

JenBun said...

Leave a funny comment, if it's available to you.

Clearly it's not available to me today.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I don't really think I've ever heard a yoga instructor say that shiz. But I've only gon to yoga at a ghetto gym, so maybe that has something to do with it.

inflammatory writ said...

People always say yoga isn't supposed to be competitive, but I always feel like it is. The instructor says stuff like that and the New Yorker in me immediately goes "I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU AVAILABLE" and then wind up with a pulled muscle.

sid said...

Jack I am sooo using that line in the future ... If it's available to you can you be less of a moron.

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