5 Things That Boil Jack's Blood

1. Idiot Drivers
I could write an entire post about what constitutes an idiot driver, but let me just leave you with a few of the more vexing examples: (1) anyone who pulls out of a driveway without looking to the left, nearly runs you off the road, then slams on their breaks and waves you by like they’ve decided to “let you in,” (2) anyone who is driving while texting, shaving, or eating yogurt, and (3) anyone who automatically comes to a complete stop when the light turns yellow, even though the nose of their car is already in the motherfudgin’ intersection.

2. Being Redundant
Last week, Jill and I were playing a board game and the answer was, “women’s lingerie.” Really? Women’s lingerie? Thanks for clarifying. If the answer had just been “lingerie,” I would have been up all night trying to decide if it was men’s lingerie or women’s lingerie. Other redundancies that drive me batty: ATM machine (ATM stands for Automated Teller Machine, so we don’t need the extra machine, Einstein); close proximity (proximity means “close to”), past history, end result, and new beginning.

3. Naked locker room activities
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. The only time you should be in your birthday suit is when you’re showering. Once you exit the shower and get back to your locker, wrap a towel around your waist, OK? And if you insist on staying in the nude, must you floss your teeth while sitting directly next to me? What’s wrong with that wide open spot three feet away from me, Mr. Too Cool for Clothes? Also, if you’re going to sit there and comb your back hair, can you please put on something other than just your bright yellow Crocs?

4. People who call you because they missed your call
While Caller-ID is a great invention, it has led to the extinction of the purposeless call. I used to enjoy calling friends for no reason in particular. If they didn’t answer, I didn’t leave a message (because ─ get this ─ I didn’t have a message). Now, my getaway is never that clean. My friends notice that they missed my call, reason that I was too ill to leave a message, and call me back to see how many days I’ve got left to live. The resulting conversations are always awkward.

Friend: So, I saw you called. What’s up?
Me: Nothing.
Friend: No, seriously. What’s up? Are you sick?
Me: No. Nothing’s up. I feel fine.
Friend: Why’d you call then?
Me: No real reason. Just wanted to say “hey.”
Friend: Do you need to borrow our cotton candy maker?
Me: What?
Friend: It’s no problem. Really. I’ll drop it off tomorrow after work.
Me: Fine. Drop off your cotton candy maker. That’s obviously why I called.

5. Text “lingo” in work e-mails
Last week, a Vice President asked me to resolve an issue regarding one of her employees. After taking care of the issue, I left her a voicemail summarizing how the situation had been handled. The next day she sent me the following e-mail: Thx 4 the vm! Umm…would it have been that hard to write, “Thanks for the voicemail!” Those extra twelve characters were just too daunting?!?! If anyone sends me an e-mail using text-lingo, I secretly hope they end up getting carpal tunnel. I mean…WTF?


Honorable mention blood-boilers: nose hair, work potlucks, ear hair, any product that is packaged in an unpenetratable plastic case that requires an axe to open (e.g., an electric toothbrush head), people who sit directly next to you in a wide-open movie theater, people who sit directly next to you in a wide-open movie theater and then proceed to chomp their popcorn like it’s made out of peanut brittle, “crunk” ringtones, people who pee in the urinal directly next to you when the urinal two spots away is open, any commercial for any spray-on deodorant, airplane food, and people who sit in their car for eight minutes when they know you’re waiting for their parking space.


Next week: 5 Things that Boil Jill’s Blood