Wednesday, January 7, 2009

5 Things That Boil Jack's Blood

1. Idiot Drivers
I could write an entire post about what constitutes an idiot driver, but let me just leave you with a few of the more vexing examples: (1) anyone who pulls out of a driveway without looking to the left, nearly runs you off the road, then slams on their breaks and waves you by like they’ve decided to “let you in,” (2) anyone who is driving while texting, shaving, or eating yogurt, and (3) anyone who automatically comes to a complete stop when the light turns yellow, even though the nose of their car is already in the motherfudgin’ intersection.

2. Being Redundant
Last week, Jill and I were playing a board game and the answer was, “women’s lingerie.” Really? Women’s lingerie? Thanks for clarifying. If the answer had just been “lingerie,” I would have been up all night trying to decide if it was men’s lingerie or women’s lingerie. Other redundancies that drive me batty: ATM machine (ATM stands for Automated Teller Machine, so we don’t need the extra machine, Einstein); close proximity (proximity means “close to”), past history, end result, and new beginning.

3. Naked locker room activities
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. The only time you should be in your birthday suit is when you’re showering. Once you exit the shower and get back to your locker, wrap a towel around your waist, OK? And if you insist on staying in the nude, must you floss your teeth while sitting directly next to me? What’s wrong with that wide open spot three feet away from me, Mr. Too Cool for Clothes? Also, if you’re going to sit there and comb your back hair, can you please put on something other than just your bright yellow Crocs?

4. People who call you because they missed your call
While Caller-ID is a great invention, it has led to the extinction of the purposeless call. I used to enjoy calling friends for no reason in particular. If they didn’t answer, I didn’t leave a message (because ─ get this ─ I didn’t have a message). Now, my getaway is never that clean. My friends notice that they missed my call, reason that I was too ill to leave a message, and call me back to see how many days I’ve got left to live. The resulting conversations are always awkward.

Friend: So, I saw you called. What’s up?
Me: Nothing.
Friend: No, seriously. What’s up? Are you sick?
Me: No. Nothing’s up. I feel fine.
Friend: Why’d you call then?
Me: No real reason. Just wanted to say “hey.”
Friend: Do you need to borrow our cotton candy maker?
Me: What?
Friend: It’s no problem. Really. I’ll drop it off tomorrow after work.
Me: Fine. Drop off your cotton candy maker. That’s obviously why I called.

5. Text “lingo” in work e-mails
Last week, a Vice President asked me to resolve an issue regarding one of her employees. After taking care of the issue, I left her a voicemail summarizing how the situation had been handled. The next day she sent me the following e-mail: Thx 4 the vm! Umm…would it have been that hard to write, “Thanks for the voicemail!” Those extra twelve characters were just too daunting?!?! If anyone sends me an e-mail using text-lingo, I secretly hope they end up getting carpal tunnel. I mean…WTF?

Honorable mention blood-boilers: nose hair, work potlucks, ear hair, any product that is packaged in an unpenetratable plastic case that requires an axe to open (e.g., an electric toothbrush head), people who sit directly next to you in a wide-open movie theater, people who sit directly next to you in a wide-open movie theater and then proceed to chomp their popcorn like it’s made out of peanut brittle, “crunk” ringtones, people who pee in the urinal directly next to you when the urinal two spots away is open, any commercial for any spray-on deodorant, airplane food, and people who sit in their car for eight minutes when they know you’re waiting for their parking space.

Next week: 5 Things that Boil Jill’s Blood


You can call me, 'Sir' said...

If I ever end up with a boss who can't spell 'thanks' and 'voicemail', I'll either quit or usurp their lazy illiterate ass.

And I am so totally down with your locker room thing. Why is it always ALways ALWAYS the old fat dudes who have lost their shame and feel like letting every portion of their sag hang free like the mighty river Nile, flowing forth in waves and making you puke a little?

Naturally Sarcastic said...

the driver's of the world... all suck! I swear it's like the DMV just hands out driver's licenses like the bank tellers pass out lollipops!

I used to drive and text...I know, I know. But since I can no longer do that, I have more attention to pay to the horibbleness of all the drivers of the world!!

Anonymous said...

I wish you had titled #2 "Extra redundancies."

Luvvie (aka Queen IG) said...

LMAO Well I, myself, hate abhor redundancy and verbosity personally. I think and believe that its unnecessary and definitely think its not needed.

All I'm trying to say is, I wholeheartedly concur and agree with Jack.

rs27 said...

No guy ever calls someone just to say hey.

Its a man fact.

Anonymous said...

Here's something you and Jill ought to check out together -- it's WAY better than text messaging:

JenBun said...

Ummm... so... are you trying to tell us that you'll be making cotton candy this weekend?

Jack and Jill said...

Sir - Good point. It is always the guys who SHOULD feel the least comfortable prancing around naked who act the most comfortable.

NS - I'm glad to hear that you've given up texting while driving. How about eating yogurt while driving?

Wolf - So do I.

Luvvie - I'm glad we agree, concur, are of the same mind, and see eye to eye.

RS27 - What's your number? I'd like to give you a call just to say hey.

Danjerus - Brilliant.

JenBun - Yes. In addition to the sno-cones and mini-donuts.

Courtney said...

I just found your blog, I love it!

Mind if we blogroll you?

Chief Rock Chef said...

That is a fantastic list - I agree with just about all of them! As a cyclist I naturally hate bad drivers. I have been known to cycle and text but only when I am the only living thing for miles around. I don't want to run over a rabbit or something!

Jack and Jill said...

COURTNEY - Please do! Off to check yours out now.

surviving myself said...

A dude talked to me today while I was in the shower.

I was not pleased.

Miss Merry said...

oohh maannn i HATE all of those things. especially when someone sits right next to me in an empty movie theater..that's just creepy! and the bad driving.

Sprite said...

I so agree with nearly everything you just said. Except 'new beginning'. I think that's perfectly valid. 'Beginning' describes where an event fits in relation to other events, regardless of where we are in time; 'new' refers to where an event is in relation to now.

I once saw a woman in the women's locker rooms at the gym sitting on a bench NAKED with her legs apart. She was very fat and hairy. It was surreal.