Thursday, January 22, 2009

Five Things That Boil Jill's Blood

My sincerest apologies for the delay in posting this. Due to the extremely large number of things that boil my blood, it was something of a challenge to get it down to a mere 5. So, without further adieu:

  1. Invasion of my personal space. Sometimes I wish I could wear a large hula hoop around my mid-section everywhere I go. Maybe it'd be electrified too, so that should anyone try to get that close to my person they'd get a little shock. You see, I can't stand it when people crowd me - it drives me insane. Literally, I think I lose a little bit of my already fragile and questionable sanity. Jack has learned this over the past several months when he's invited me to crowded standing-room-only concerts. Having to prevent your girlfriend from beating the crap out of strangers who come just a little too close has proven to be a little much for poor Jack. It's possible I won't get these kinds of invitations anymore.

  2. Pretentiousness. Ooh, you're rich and buy fancy things and go to fancy places, OOOHHHH! Get over yourself, okay? My personal opinion is that people who are all about wearing $300 t-shirts, and going to bars where the drinks are $20 a pop, must have pretty empty lives. I mean, just because you have a successful career, savings in the bank, and a small island in the Caribbean and all I have is this blog, $42.38 and some pocket lint doesn't mean you're better than me. So there!

  3. When people argue with me about what I eat. I'm vegan. You're not. Hooray for you, I don't care! It really is unbelievable how many people like to make fun of my food choices. The worst part is how unoriginal most of the comments are: "You like pigs? I like pigs too - I LIKE TO EAT THEM" or "Hey, Jill, don't you ever get sick of just eating lettuce and tofu?" At least people could be creative about it. Or shut up. That would be nice too.

  4. Karaoke. I know this is a weird thing to get upset about, but for crying out loud, have you heard some of those people sing? Nobody good ever does karaoke, and on the rare occasions that someone actually is good, I can't help but think: "SHOW OFF". (I'm mean, aren't I?)

  5. Being Hungry. Jack will probably write a post someday called "Jill, the Hungry Monster" because, well, I become something of a monster when I'm hungry. I can't help it. I just get angry when I'm hungry. I kind of understand why people in developing countries start wars. If I were hungry all the time, I'd be pirating stuff too. Guaranteed.

(To read Jack's list, go here.)


Anonymous said...

Hunger + homicidal = hypoglycemia ... which in turn = lovely alliteration on my part!

lengli said...

Yes. Oh my God, yes. This is the main reason why I don't go above 23rd Street.

Yes. Although I don't mind pretentiousness in practice as much as I do when people insist on talking about their salaries and clothing labels and other sorts of namedropping. Get a life.

Yes. These jokes are about as funny as those people make when they're talking about Ethiopian food. HAR HAR.

NO. I love karaoke and am damn good at it; however, to exorcise my "I WANT TO SING NOW" demons, I usually opt for the private rooms so I don't feel egotistical. Though I must admit, in crowded bars, it is kind of a trip to earn the love of an audience.

Yes. I love when people actually learn that this is true too. ("Shit, she's got to eat or it's going to get ugly.")

4/5: not bad!

Word verification: pusselp. Sounds dirty.

JenBun said...

Jill, are you wearing trash-can earrings in that little picture?

The making-fun-of-what-you-choose-to-eat thing drives me NUTS too!!

Luvvie (aka Queen IG) said...

"just because you have a successful career, savings in the bank, and a small island in the Caribbean and all I have is this blog, $42.38 and some pocket lint doesn't mean you're better than me. So there!"

That part made me chortle (cackle and snort).

I'm with you though. Who do they think they are???

Sprite said...

Numbers 2 and 3 especially, I agree. Actually it sounds like you have met my dad and are quoting him! He loves to boast about eating meat. I'm not a vegetarian, but still it seems kind fo gross to me. Just because you eat meat doesn't mean you have to be disrespectful towards it. Anyway, that's just what I think.

Anonymous said...

Sooo with you on #1.

As long as it is a stylish-looking hula hoop.

Chief Rock Chef said...

I am not nice when I am hungry. To steal a phrase from The Hulk:

"Don't make me hungry, you wouldn't like me when I'm hungry!"

Jack and Jill said...

DANJERUS - Good work!

LENGLI - You love karaoke? I didn't know this about you. I'm not sure if we can be friends.

JENBUN - Ah, my fellow veg-head!

LUVVIE - I am going to use the word CHORTLE more often now.

SPRITE - Right on - thank you!

PETER - Well of course! I wear only the most fashionable things.

CHIEF - A man after my own heart!

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I'm all about invading personal space. Mostly because I lurve to make out with random strangers. Generally on dance floors. Not always of the opposite sex. Get your hoop out if ya see me comin your way.
I'm totally with you on the making fun of veggie food thing. We eat what we want- if you don't want to chew up the days/weeks-old dead flesh of stinky animals that have likely been raised as cannibals and/or feces-eaters, that's your perogotive. Ain't nobody should be judging you for that, sister.