Friday, January 30, 2009

Jill Asks Jack About PMS

Jill Asks: When will men finally acknowledge that PMS is real?!!

Jack Answers: This one's easy. I'll acknowledge that PMS is real as soon as you acknowledge that PNS is also real.

What's that? You've never heard of PNS? Well let me fill you in. PNS occurs only in males. It's caused by a change in hormones (i.e., testosterone) once a month. Symptoms of this serious syndrome include:

  • A biological need to not wear anything other than sweat pants and cut-off t-shirts.

  • A biological need to ask you if our butt looks big in said sweat pants and then sob uncontrollably when you ask a valid clarifying question like, "define big?"

  • A biological need to not eat anything other than potato chips and chocolate chip cookie dough vegan ice cream.

  • A biological need to then sob uncontrollably when you ask a valid clarifying question like, "does that carton say that a serving size is two quarts, or did you just come up with that on your own?"

  • A biological need to spend all day Sunday watching SportsCenter and re-runs of Chevy Chase movies on TNT (i.e., the male equivalent of spending all day Sunday watching It's Me or the Dog and re-runs of Renee Zellweger movies on Oxygen).

  • A biological need to then sob uncontrollably when you ask a valid clarifying question like, "How did Clark Griswold bank enough PTO to go on all of these vacations?" (i.e., the female equivalent of asking a valid clarifying question like, "Why does Bridget Jones own so many f'ing diaries?")

  • Sudden and painful cramps; these cramps typically occur when men are asked questions like, "Are you ready to go to Bed Bath and Beyond?" (Note: these disabling cramps are similar to the sudden and painful cramps that women suffering from PMS often experience when they're asked questions like "Are you ready to go to bed?") soon as you and your fellow ladies recognize the seriousness of PNS, we men will also recognize the seriousness of PMS.

Jill's Follow-Up: First of all, I would not put it past you to ask a clarifying question like "define big". This is why I refrain from asking you such things. Secondly, this post explains a lot about all your sobbing I've been putting up with all these months. Maybe scientists need to find a cure for this horrible malady because it certainly is negatively affecting my life. And lastly, I feel an extra bad case of PMS coming on RIGHT NOW. What coincidental timing, huh?!


Jen said...

Jack, I can't believe when Jill is on the verge of her PMS for the month that you WROTE this. . . You are either a very, very brave man or a very stoopid one.

I sincerely hope that you get to keep your head.

inflammatory writ said...

I would find this entry more funny if PMS weren't actually an awful thing that women go through. But you know, lots of people don't believe that it exists. Those people are usually armed with a penis, not surprisingly.
See how much you want to have sex when you are completely bloated, nauseous, and wracked with cramps so vile you think someone put your abdomen in a paper shredder. It exists and it is very real. No one wishes that it weren't more than women, I promise. I'd much rather feel well during that time than "have an excuse" to be a bitch.

Anonymous said...

Hm, I actually don't at all think my boyfriend has PNS... Maybe it's just some boys. PMS, however, so totally real. Otherwise, why would they make pills that ease the symptoms of it?

Find me a PNS pill, and we'll talk.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Boys should never let a woman see them cry. At least not a woman like me. I wouldn't want to bang a dude who was all wimpy and girlish. Blech. Suck it up! Be a man. CRYING IS FOR GIRLS!
(please lord baby jesus above, never let me give birth to a boy child. I might actually begin to believe that boys should be sensitive too.)

Chief Rock Chef said...

PMS - definitely real! Try living in a house where your wife and daughter hit it at the same time, even if your wife is wonderful enough to give you the heads up that it is coming around again!

No I understand the cramps bit - I have been getting those ever since I was made an honorary girly a couple of years ago :-)

Sprite said...

I'm happy for men not to believe in PMS. But I'd have thought they'd rather believe in PMS than suspect that their girlfriend's/wife's irritability and unhappiness was THEIR fault.

Anonymous said...

Jill, you PROMISED in December that you would be blogging more consistently, and more often. You lied to us!! I want a refund!!

Jack and Jill said...

ANON - I am a jerk, it's true. Post on the way - hold tight!

JenBun said...

We are supposed to be pronouncing PNS like "penis," are we not??? (Because I am.)