Monday, January 26, 2009

Staycation Report, Part II: ToxiCleanse!

For Staycation Report Part I, click here.

Jack is a pretty competitive person. And when I say that, I mean he is competitive about pretty much everything. For our second date, we played board games at his house, and he actually threatened to throw me out his 21st story window after I beat him. I think he was serious and maybe I should have run for my life at that point, but I didn't. So here we are: we compete over everything.

Jack and I both had full physicals a couple months back, and he even wanted to compete over that. "What was your cholesterol? I bet mine is lower"; "My potassium was SO good, the doctor was really impressed." Every single number he wanted to compare and compete. This is partially because Jack and I debate a lot over who has a healthier diet. I know that I'm the one with the healthier diet, but he can't accept that. Sure, his numbers were better than mine overall, but I chalk that up to genetics. Frankly, with my genetics it is amazing I'm not a raging alcoholic with diabetes and a weight problem, possibly also locked up in a mental institution. Oh, and I'd probably have a heart attack in that mental institution - because my genetics are THAT awesome. So the fact that my numbers are all within a healthy range is kind of amazing if you ask me.

Anyway, during our Staycation back in mid-December, Jack & I were each supposed to plan a day of activities. One of my chosen activities, because I am weird hippy and believe almost anything anyone tells me, was to go to this spa and get a ToxiCleanse. This means we went to this place and put our feet in buckets of water with some ion-cleansing-electro-magnetic-other-sciencey-words-that-confuse-people wristband thingy, and it purified our bodies over the course of a half hour (like magic!). The buckets of water turned murky with our toxins. Jack kept inspecting each bucket, proclaiming "your bucket is dirtier, you are so toxic!" and other comments like that. I insisted his was murkier, which he dismissed.

At the end, when the guy came to turn off our ToxiCleanse machines and dumped out the water, he said to Jack, "wow, yours is even dirtier than hers." I guess what I'm trying to say is I WON.

Jack's Two Cents: What the guy said was, "wow yours is even darker than hers." Darker, not dirtier. What Jill failed to mention was that each type of toxin had a different color (e.g., alcohol was black), so the fact that my water was darker does NOT mean that I'm more toxic. (It just means I drink more red wine, which is very good for your heart.) Jill's water included lighter but grosser and more dangerous toxins. Remember all of those white swirls that represented toxic flatulence (no, I'm not joking.) Didn't you also have flammable levels of yeast dripping out of your soles? I don't mean to be crude, but Jill's water was actually curdling!?!?! Hands down, I'm less toxic. So I win. End of story.

This just in: Jack makes things up. Love, Jill.


sid said...

Wow. You guys are weird and deserve each other (=

Chief Rock Chef said...

Get yourself arrested for terrorism and you can get that for FREE! Well until Obama stops it anyway. Better get in QUICK!

Love the description of Jane's genetics!

A Lover and a Fighter said...

I am too distracted by the toxicleanse to properly comment.

Jill!?!? Really? I think it sounds like you paid for the world's worst pedicure!

Did you feel differently afterwards?

Jack and Jill said...

SID - Thanks...?

CHIEF - Haha, good point.

L&F - I felt pure. Virginal some would say. Or maybe not.


You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Stick your feet in a bucket of water and rid yourself of toxins.

What part of that sentence screamed, 'LEGITIMATE' to you guys?

Jack and Jill said...

SIR - It was all the science related talk...duh!

Anonymous said...

This sounds both really weird and also awesome. How can I open up a store like this and make money??

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I did a 28-day full body cleanse last year. On day 2ish, I started to stink real bad and was setting things loose that had been with me since birth. And that's waaaay grosser than a half hour in a goddamn foot bath. So I win on that front, hands down.

surviving myself said...


Definitely not.

inflammatory writ said...

At first, before I actually read this post, I thought you had done some kind of colon cleanse and were comparing poops. Hahahha.

JenBun said...

ToxiCleanse? Really??

Come over to my place, Jill-- I've got magic crystals that I'll place all over you and they'll FIX what ails you!! Your numbers will totally be better than Jack's in NO time. :P