Thursday, March 12, 2009

Jack Goes to Diva Dance Class

Word up. It's me, Jack. A few weeks ago I got a Community Education course guide in the mail. I casually paged through the various class offerings and stopped when I spotted the following title: Dance Funk Diva Routines. The description of the class read something like this: "Have fun and burn some calories while learning the dance routines from today's hottest songs."

So naturally I signed up.

Looking back, I have no idea what I was thinking. Probably something like, "this will be a funny story to write about" or "I hate my treadmill" or "ever since I saw Save the Last Dance, I've secretly wanted to be one of Janet Jackson's back-up dancers."

Well last night was my first class, and...Houston, we have a problem!

7:03 pm - As I listen to my 24 classmates introduce themselves (e.g., "My name is Jasmine. I'm 22 and a senior at the U. I've been taking dance classes for 8 years. My favorite type of dance is ballet.), I realize a few things: (a) I'm one of only two dudes in the entire class; (b) spandex tights are apparently back in style; and (c) I picked the wrong night to rock sweat pants and an ironic mustache (i.e., I looked like a pervert).

7:05 pm - "Hello. My name's Jack. I'm....umm...29ish. I work in an office. I've never really taken a dance class. Wait, I take that back: I had two weeks of square dance lessons in elementary school. Oh, and also my friend Trevor taught me how to sorta moonwalk in 8th grade. My favorite type of dance is...umm...break."

7:08 pm - Our instructor explains to us that we're going to begin with some "basic moves to get stretched out." She puts on an R&B song (Ray J, I think) and most of the class - including yours truly - follows along.

7:15 pm - Once I was "stretched out" (i.e., tired), I was made aware that it was now time for us to learn our first routine: "Tonight we're going to learn the dance to Fergalicious by Fergie."

In an effort to repress as many memories as possible - and to keep this brief - I'm not going to subject you to a minute-by-minute blow of what happened next. Let's just say that at approximately 7:30 I found myself on all fours doing double-time booty pops while "t-t-t-t-t-tasty, tasty" blasted from a beat-up boom box.

At around 7:45 I was being taught how to "shimmy" my chest while hearing my way-too-chipper instructor sing out loud, "And he be lining down the block just to watch what I got." Right before class ended, our instructor left us with this news: "Now be sure you go home and practice. Next week you'll all be asked to perform this routine in front of the rest of the class."

Worst. Decision. Ever.

Moral of the story: don't take Community Ed classes. Especially ones titled Dance Funk Diva Routines.


Anonymous said...

I would totally expect a community ed dance class to be the place to find a guy sporting sweat pants and a 'stache. Are you upset at the class? Or upset that you fit in?

Anonymous said...

Is there ANY feasible way you could smuggle a camera in next time in your ironic mustache? It sounds like the entertainment of the century!

amy =) said...

i would completely agree with the "Especially ones titled Dance Funk Diva Routines." but community courses in and of themselves aren't all bad (in my area any way). next time try something more practical and less embarassing like photography. =)

Anonymous said...

Is there any way we can get a Vlog of this? Maybe Jill will videotape it then post it some time next week. Inquiring minds must know!

inflammatory writ said...

Okay, that was completely hilarious - but didn't the word "Diva" in the title of the class clue you into the fact that there would 1. not be many dudes and 2. the dudes that were there would likely not be of the hetero persusasion?

Still hilarious though!

Lil' Woman said...

I would have given my right arm to see :)

KindredSmile said...

I'm with the general consensus - pics! a vid!

I'm going to try and use the phrase "double time booty pop" at least twice today. At least.

choofy said...


why didn't jill go?

Anonymous said...

ROFDL!! Seriously - all I could do when I read this was LMAO! Thanks Jack - reading that made my night!


Kabo said...

Best. Post. Ever.

Chief Rock Chef said...

One word:


We want to see this for real!!!!

Shana said...

I am SOOOO jealous! I can't even do double-time booty pops! LOL!

Anonymous said...

I took a psychology class as a community college. I swear the students were there for the free therapy. Look at the bright side, if VH-1 ever needs dancers, you're in :)

Sprite said...

I'm sensing that you are a really interesting person, even more so than any of us initially realized.

Sprite said...

p.s. if you come to my belly dance studio in Sydney, you can sign up for striptease or burlesque!

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