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Monday, March 23, 2009

An Open Letter to Jack's Dentist

Dear Dr. Miller, DDS:

You've been my dentist for the past six years. Every six months or so, you check out my teeth and give me some things to work on (e.g., "floss every day," "use a Sonicare," "drink less red wine"). Well after last week's check-up, I decided that it's time for me to provide you with some things to work on.

(1) Brush your teeth before every appointment. Have you noticed how I always show up for my check-up with a freshly cleaned mouth? Well, you should do the same. That dentist mask you're wearing is not nearly as resistant as you apparently think it is. So if you feel the need to polish off a can of sour cream & onion Pringles and a bottle of Mr. Pibb right before you see me, at least have the decency to swirl some Listerine. Please?

(2) Do not ask me open-ended questions while keeping your instruments stuffed down my throat. Seriously. Are you not familiar with what it takes to speak? One needs to be able to move their mouth, for starters. If you're going to limit yourself to yes or no questions (e.g., "do you need a rinse?" "nice weather, huh?" "do you mind if I take off my pants?"), ask away. But do not - I REPEAT, DO NOT - ask me to summarize the plot of Slumdog Millionaire while simultaneously immobilizing my jaw and applying fluoride.

(3) Back. The. F'. Up. You know all of those fancy tools you have on that tray next to you? Are you sure one of them isn't a magnifying glass? See, if you had a magnifying glass, then you probably wouldn't have to get FOUR INCHES AWAY FROM MY FACE to see whatever it is you need to see. Sometimes I get confused: are you trying to clean my teeth or give me mouth-to-mouth? On a related note, did you just eat a can full of Pringles?

(4) Don't Insult Me With a Free 25 Cent Toothbrush. After causing (a) aching in my teeth, (b) swelling in my gums, (c) numbness in my jaw - and after (d) nearly drowning me with that hose/rinsing tool - do not expect to "make it all better" by giving me a cheap, plastic toothbrush with five limp bristles. Would it really kill you to spend the extra $1.49 to hook me up with a toothbrush that I'd actually consider using for something other than cleaning my sink? You and I both know you're going to charge my insurance company more than enough to cover the cost.

See you in six months,

Jack

14 comments:

james said...

Next week: What I hate about rainy days.

KindredSmile said...

I loathed the dentist's office, and refused to visit...until that refusal led to the need for a root canal after weeks of debilitating pain. I'm probably the only person I know that looks back upon that procedure with gratitude.

But a dentist that doesn't practice what they...practice? Inexcusable!

Assertive Wit said...

I stopped having afternoon appointments because my dentist would always come back from lunch with his breath telling me EXACTLY what he ate. That is BEYOND rude. Seriously, there are TONS of bottles of listerine all over their office and he NEVER chose to use any. Morning visits...before his coffee and I'm good to go.

amindinmotown said...

All very excellent points. Maybe you should switch to a lady dentist though. While my former dentist - a dude - seemed to act exactly like yours, my new lady dentist does not.

By the way, this made me think of that tool they use to suction all the saliva out of your mouth. I hate that damn thing and my stomach's in knots just thinking about it. Argh.

Jen said...

My stomach just churned. Seriously, a can of sour cream & onion Pringles and a Mr. Pibb? The smell combo alone is cause enough to take down an elephant.



Hahahahahahahahaha! My word verification is: shmen (I'm such a guy sometimes!)

Emily said...

this made me laugh (and cringe)...mostly cause i can sympathize with every last one of those. haha

inflammatory writ said...

I always get nauseous at the dentist because I am yet to find one who doesn't have utterly noxious breath. One smelled like coffee breath all the time (gag) and one had a cigar habit. Foul. FOUL. I have terrible smell aversions and having plastic gloves in my mouth makes me sick to my stomach as it is so...yerrgh.

That reminds me, I have to get a cleaning. Ugh.

Luvvie said...

I have Saturday morning appointments, when my (young, hot, italian) dentist's teeth are sparkly clean and fresh. YESSSS

But sadness. I didnt realize he was cute til last time I went and I looked like Hell walking. Shoot, it was 8am on a Saturday. Next time, I may rock something hotter. Like a cropped top with daisy dukes and makeup. Too much?

Suze said...

Another thing I hate is when they do the breast exam. Really, do they have to do that every six months. Isn't a teeth cleaning enough?

Sprite said...

I love my dentist. I never thought it was possible to love a dentist until I found him. I used to wonder how dentists reproduced.

Shana said...

My Dentist is the TROOF! He gives away luxury model toothbrushes along with floss, toothpaste, and free calendars/planners . . .lol!

Chief Rock Chef said...

I wish you still got sweets after visiting the dentist...

mj said...

Suze -
Do you go to the dentist in ND?

pistols at dawn said...

I've never understood why they're so chatty, since any answer only makes it very likely that they'll gouge something that wasn't supposed to be gouged with something incredibly sharp. Maybe dentists are all masochists.