We're Off to Hawaii!

Jack and I have had a trip to Hawaii planned for several months now. We leave later today and will be enjoying the island of Oahu for 8 luxurious days. The first 5 days will also involve my entire family, and will mark the longest continuous stretch of time Jack has spent with them. It may also mark the end of "Jack and Jill" as we now know it. Coincidence? Hard to say.

I'm kidding. I mean, Jack keeps saying things like "as soon as we get past this trip we can break up!" which I think is a joke, but you never really know with him.

I assure you I have no intention of letting that happen, considering Jack has tickets for several kickass shows in May. After that, we'll see.

Any any rate, we're gone for 9 days, and had fully intended on scheduling some posts for while we're gone, but wouldn't you know it, we didn't really get around to that. HOWEVER, we will be updating Twitter while we're gone, so you should totally check that out. Try not to miss us too much! I'll let you know if I'm able to get Jack to go snorkeling - he's even more afraid of the ocean than I am, which is saying something. An island vacation is perfect for people like us, isn't it?

Aloha!

Jill Quizzes Jack: Part I

(Q) If Jill could be any (non-human) animal, what would she be?

Jack's Answer: A dog. Specifically a Boston Terrier. If this were to happen, then Jill's unnatural love for her own Boston Terrier, Spot, would seem a little less weird. Emphasis on "little."

Jill's Response: Eww, you just made my love of my darling Spot into something dirty, not to mention illegal. And you're wrong anyway - I'd totally be a chimpanzee. That way my emotional outbursts and throwing of poop wouldn't be nearly as frowned upon as it is now.

(Q) If Jill could pick any one super power to have, what would it be?

Jack's Answer: The ability to clone people. (See next question for rationale.)

Jill's Response: Um, I don't even think that is a "super power" in the traditional sense of the phrase. Wouldn't someone with cloning ability be more of a "mad scientist" type, not someone with a super power? Your rationale better be good.

(Q) What's one thing about Jack that Jill would change if she could?

Jack's Answer: There's only one of him. If Jill could have her way, she'd surely clone another Jack or two.

Jill's Response: Seriously? THIS is what you think I would change about you, sweetie? I don't think you even answered the question. Making another Jack wouldn't really change anything about YOU, would it? It would just double the thing that I wanted to change in the first place, which is less than ideal if you think about it.

Jack's Annoying Habits, Vol. 1

Whenever we write something on this blog and people agree with me instead of him, Jack insists that I am secretly friends with everyone who has agreed with me. We "probably sit on g-chat all day long" and are "facebook friends" according to Jack, and somehow I am bribing you all to agree with me -- apparently I do this with my superior facebooking and g-chatting skillz ("OMG! LOL!" and so forth). Oddly enough, whenever people agree with him, it would be preposterous to suggest that he has these same types of secret friendships.

This makes no sense. What does make sense is that 95% of the time it's easy to agree with me because I AM RIGHT. I mean, who does crap like this anyway and expects to get a lot of support from sane, intelligent, wonderful people like you?*

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*And Jack, don't look at me like that. I said I'm not bribing anyone - I said nothing about blatant flattery.

Jack's Advice: Not Exactly a Kodak Moment

Fellas, this one's for you. Maybe you're like me and you enjoy playing practical jokes. And maybe - just maybe - you've thought about playing the following joke on your girlfriend:

Step 1: remove all of the photos of your girlfriend hanging up in your living room

Step 2: refill the now empty picture frames with photos of ex-girlfriends

Step 3: make sure at least one of the photos is of an ex-girlfriend in a string-bikini

Step 4: next time you and your girlfriend are hanging out in the living room, gaze longingly up at the pictures of your exes and say, "man, we had some good times."

Take my advice: your girlfriend's not going to find this "joke" nearly as funny as you do. And you'll probably be in the doghouse* for a day week month or two.
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* (Fortunately for me, Jill really loves her dog, so her doghouse is actually pretty nice.)
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Jill's Two Cents: Yes, Jack actually did this, about 3 months into our relationship. No, I'm not kidding, and yes, I wish I were. When I first noticed the change of photos, I rubbed my eyes, sort of like you would if you were in a cartoon and you saw something that couldn't possibly be there because it was so ridiculous (like a man with sensitivity!), you know? Then I got mad, which was made even worse by Jack then saying "What? I did this to my last girlfriend and she thought it was funny."

(deep breath)

(another deep breath)

Luckily, after MUCH coaching, Jack has learned that a) we do not pull practical jokes that involve putting up bikini shots of ex-girlfriends who happen to be tall, blond and thin; and b) we do not say things like "my ex-girlfriend was so much more laid back than you!" or anything that might at all make it sound like your ex-girlfriend could in any way be superior to your current girlfriend.

Let's Talk About POOP, Baby!

Jack and I will often walk Spot together in the evening right before bedtime. If the weather is nice, this can be a lovely ending to the night, and we dilly dally while Spot finds the place that is special enough to receive his waste. We chat, we stroll, and it’s all very nice. When the weather is NOT nice, as has been the case for the past 5-6 months, we are not quite as patient. In fact, we are downright impatient, and want Spot to hurry it up and go as fast as possible so that we can run back inside and be warm and comfortable again. Spot usually doesn’t care what we think, so he takes his sweet time either way.

The other night was one such evening, and it occurred to me that I have a habit of yelling strange things during my conversations with Jack when I want Spot to do his business:

“Jack, don’t forget that tomorrow we said we’d go to – SPOT, POOP ALREADY! - that happy hour with Katie and her husband, okay?”

“Yeah, I remember. That should be fun.”

“I think it will, yeah. – POOPY POOPY POOP, SPOTTY WOTT! – Also, we should think about what we want to do this – I SAID POOP – weekend. Any ideas?”

“Well, I was thinking we could maybe go on a bike ride at some point.”

“YOU ARE SO SLOW, JUST TAKE A CRAP – Ooh! Great idea. We should also – SERIOUSLY, GOOOOO POTTY! – grab a drink at that new bar downtown.”

The conversation doesn’t miss a beat, which I think might be odd. Like, if someone walked by and heard this and didn’t see the dog, they would think I was mental, right? Or maybe even if they did see the dog?

Anyway, this whole scenario gets even funnier when Jack and I are having a more serious conversation … you know, one that shouldn’t be littered with screams about fecal matter (as opposed to all the many conversations that should be). It sort of concerns me that Jack doesn’t even notice this happens. I mean, I had to point it out to him how strange it is. I guess he’s just getting used to how weird I am, and that’s probably good. I’ve been holding back the really weird stuff for when we got to this point, so I think it’s about time I can really let loose now…