Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Free Passes

Jack is obsessed with asking me if he can get a "free pass" should he ever find himself alone in a dimly lit room with a hot celebrity. Every time we go to a concert, he asks if I could find a ride home in case he makes it back stage and so-and-so wants to make out with him. These conversations always go the same:
Jack: So later tonight if [Duffy, Kelis, etc] is eyeing me during her set and she gives me the come hither look and then her bodyguard comes and says she wants me to come back stage and then I get back there and she comes on to me, can I make out with her and you won't get angry?

Me: Why would that happen? Isn't she married?

Jack: But what if it does happen? Can I have a free pass?

Me: Well, I don't think it's going to happen.

Jack: Are you saying that [Duffy, Kelis, etc] won't find me attractive? Is that what you're saying?

Me: No, of course she would, but I just think it's pretty unlikely that she's going to get her bodyguard to fetch you so that she can have a night of passion with you.

Jack: Well if you think it's so unlikely you should just say yes.

Me: But what if it does happen? I mean, if you're backstage making out with [Duffy, Kelis, etc] do I have permission to get a ride home from someone else at the concert? Like a hot dude?

Jack: You only get free passes with famous people.
Apparently there are a lot of rules about this "free pass" business.

Anyway, the other night I get a text message that he's been invited to a Neko Case concert. Earlier he had texted me that in addition to being a singer, Neko is also an animal rights activist, something he knows is near & dear to my heart. His follow up text read: "Do I have a pass with Neko? Her voice is smoother than blood orange sorbet."

"If she's into animals, sure."

What I meant by that is that any woman who's into protecting animals is okay by me....but I guess that didn't come across in my text, because this is what I got back: "Wait, did you just call me an animal?"


Jack's Two Cents
What Jill fails to mention is that if she happened to find herself in a dimly lit room with Robert Downey Jr. or Chris Martin, she wouldn’t even have the decency to request a free pass. It’d be on like Donkey Kong, with no courtesy text messages preceding her rendezvous. Now that I think about it, the same would probably be true even if it was just Twitch from So You Think You Can Dance?


Luvvie (aka Queen IG) said...

Ok Twitch is FINE!! He is on my "Can Get It" list. I have to side with Jill on this one.

Ali said...

Well, in Jack's defense - Kelis does know that her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard - which I can only assume means backstage. So I'm not sure that he would be able to resist HER...but as for the rest, yeah, really?

HowEVER - In Twitch's case...I wouldn't be wasting my time calling either...I'd just be doing him. So I can understand Jack's bitterness :)

Chief Rock Chef said...

Well all I can say is that if I even started a conversation like that with my wife (even before we were married) I would have been spending time in a plaster-cast!

sid said...

Chris Martin? Coldplay? Oh ... To each his own.

dmb5_libra said...

its twitch! i mean, come on :)

Jack and Jill said...

LUVVIE - I know, right?? So cute!

ALI - Mmmm Twitch...

CHIEF - Hahaha. I'm so easy going! (Maybe)

SID - I can't resist the man, I don't know what it is. Gwyneth, MOVE OVER!

DMB5 - See? Thanks for backing me up!


Jason said...

There aren't too many rules with this situation. Free passes with celebrities. There, that is it.

Who defines celebrity though? Soon, you'll see the hot coffee barista at poetry night, and one of you will be all, "Ohhh, he's SO got celebrity status." Then what?

Robert Downey Jr.? STD much?

Peter said...

Are people on those dance shows really celebs? If so, I want to add that little blond treat Juliana something or other from Dancing with the Stars to my list.

I want to become a celeb, just so I can go on that show and dance with her.

Jen said...

I think you're missing some rules. . .

For example, write down the celebrities first. Place a limit on how many, for example, 3 celebs only or 5 - I don't care. Then, they're written down and you can't add more or change them just 'cuz you feel like it or ran into them at a bookstore.

When you do run into them and they're actually on the list you get your "free pass". Otherwise, if they aren't on the list, no soup for you! Understand? It can't just be all willey-nilley and random-like. You've got to have some rhyme and reason, Jack. M'kay?

Amanda said...

It's Robert Downey Jr. for christ's sake! Every women gets a free pass with him.

surviving myself said...

I found it pretty damn scary that that Neko girl or whoever the fuck is holding a bird all creepy like. I would be too freaked out to do her.

CC said...

i don't know about the free pass thing. maybe if you make a list like they did in the Friends episode and it's only limited to those 5 people.

But mmmm...Twitch...

suki said...

There is that list, but I think you're supposed to pick celebrities that you will not very likely EVER meet. ;)

rs27 said...

I give Jack a high five for his tenacity and text messaging skills.

Only free passes with celebs and hot chicks. Otherwise no pass.

you can call me sir said...

Great. Neko Case is into beastiality. Thanks, Jill.

Also, what do you think you're going to do with a broom in a pasture? Even the pig and the cow are like, 'Who's the chick with the broom? Why is this happening? We're frightened!' Stop scaring the animals.

Jack and Jill said...

PETER - You always have to pick the weirdo celebrities that almost no one has heard of!

JEN - Your methodology sounds much better to me.


SURVIVING - What do you have against birds?! What have they ever done to YOU?

CC - "Mmmm....Twitch" is right!

SUKI - The problem is that Jack somehow runs into celebrities you'd think you'd never meet - like Rhianna for example. They had a nice chat the other day. I'm serious.

RS27 - He is nothing if not tenacious.

SIR - It's a rake! For the hay! The animals LOVE me!!

JenBun said...

EXACTLY what Jen said!

Pick however many. (I have 10. Plus backups.) Write them down. Show each other the list. Post it on here for our general amusement. THEN, if either of you is enticed into a night of passion with someone on The List, it is all worked out beforehand, instead of becoming "a thing" in the heat of the moment.

You're welcome.

Hollywood Sucker said...

I'd request passes for Common or Jack White. Or George Clooney, but that would never happen.

Sprite said...

I don't know who Chris Martin is, but I clicked on the link and I can see why Jill wants a free pass for him.

My free pass is reserved for Daniel Craig. Yum.

just a girl... said...

Am I that old I dont even know who twitch is, fuck I am a loser. You guys are two freaking funny, glad I stumbled on your blog.