Saturday, September 6, 2008

Spontaneous Verbal Diarrhea

I’ve met Jill’s parents. But she hasn’t met mine. And there’s a reason for that. Actually there are two reasons: my dad and Jill.

You see my dad and Jill both suffer from spontaneous verbal diarrhea (SVD). At any given time, they have both been guilty of blurting out random comments uncontrollably.

In Jill’s defense, my dad’s case of SVD is probably more severe, if only because he’s been afflicted longer. To illustrate my point, here’s a near-verbatim excerpt from a conversation that took place between my parents (AROUND OUR DINNER TABLE) the last time I brought a girl over to meet them.

My mom: “Did you hear on the news today that they arrested a man for a murder he committed three years ago? Apparently they found the body…”

My dad (interrupting my mom): “See, that’s what I don’t get. Why do these guys have such a hard time getting rid of the body? I mean, come on! If I ever killed anyone, I can assure you that nobody would find the body. Would it be that hard to chop a body up into little parts and put it down the garbage disposal? Or how hard would it be to burn a body? Throw it into an incinerator. Collect the teeth and stuff that didn’t burn and then throw that stuff into the garbage disposal. I mean this isn’t rocket science, people! I just don’t get it!”

Again, this was the FIRST time this girl met my dad, who in reality is one of the sweetest men on the planet and winces when he has to kill a wasp with a rolled-up newspaper. Nonetheless, my girl’s eyes were the size of the hubcaps on my ’87 Accord when she heard him spouting off like Ted Bundy.

And yet if it was only my dad that I was worried about, I would have facilitated this introduction already. But Jill also suffers from SVD.

For example, this past weekend Jill and I were at an OUTDOOR concert where people were smoking. Apparently Jill doesn’t appreciate smelling secondhand smoke, as she casually informed me:

“If this girl doesn’t watch where her smoke is going, I'm going to stab her in the neck.”

It’s important to note that Jill said this loudly enough that pretty much everyone around us heard her. Now was really going to pull out a shank and slice someone? Of course not. I knew it was the SVD, but what if the others didn’t? I quickly made a point of nervously smiling at everyone nearby in an attempt to restore the peace.

Sigh…I’m sweating just thinking about the possibility of my dad and Jill in the same room. Does anybody have any advice as to how I can make this happen without either party saying something I’ll regret?


The Maiden Metallurgist said...

As a sufferer myself I have only one piece of advice. Just learn to live with it. It doesn't reflect poorly on you, and you shouldn't harbor embarrassment for anything other people do. So don't sweat it.

Ali said...

As someone who suffers from SVD herself - I can assure you that most of us are quite harmless...and there are probably more of us out there than you realize.

I have an inkling that if you introduce Jill and your dad, they might hit it off, and totally entertain each other. Plus, you can just sit back and watch the magic happen.

The Diva's Thoughts said...

Just stare straight ahead at all times. Never EVER make eye contact with anyone and for God's sake keep the car keys in your hand in case you have to make an emergency dash outta there.

Good luck my freind.

jen said...

No, Jack. SVD is a real problem. I suffer from it myself and I scare the shite out of the husband. He made a comment to my little sister the last time we went to the great white north. Essentially he said the same things about me here that you said about Jill, blah, blah, blah.

My sister blinked her eyes at the husband and said, "You're just noticing this NOW?"

Though. . . .come to think of it, I am the only one in my family that suffers from SVD. . . .


Anyway, I'm with Jill, pull out thy shanks and stab smokers in the neck.

I'm just sayin'.

terri said...

You have nothing to worry about. They'll totally "get" each other. Bringing Jill to meet your dad should be way easier than a non-SVD sufferer.

Just be sure to blog all their conversations afterwards. I can't wait to read all about it!

Jack and Jill said...

I would like to state for the record - because my good name is on the line here! - that I did NOT say I would stab that girl in the neck; I said I would strangle her.

Thank you.

Dingo said...

I think I have a form of SVD. Of course, my comment are intended and I usually utter them in the guise of talking to my dog. Things like, "You know, Dingo Girl, that woman wouldn't be exposing her ass crack if she actually bought pants in her size." Yes, I get strange looks but people really don't want to mess with a crazy lady that talks to her dog.

Dingo said...

Edit: "Comments are intentional."

Chief Rock Chef said...

Fantastic stuff - you should have a hidden camera to catch the action!

BTW, my wife says the same sort of things about bodies, and I know who she wants to kill!

Jason said...

I think they'll relate to one another just fine. Jill can give body-desposing tips (but I'm not supposed to talk about that...)

Julie_Gong said...

i too suffer from SVD but mine just adds to my charm

surviving myself said...

I think the hardest thing would be finding the incinerator. I mean, we don't all know janitors.

Jack and Jill said...

JULIE - I maintain that is also adds to MY charm. I can't beleive Jack doesn't agree!

STP said...


JenBun said...

My advice? Record the whole thing!

This will make great blog fodder... and someday you will look back on it fondly! :)

Luvvie (aka Queen IG) said...

Yeah I sometimes lack a brain filter (and by sometimes, I mean mot of the time). I will just recommend that you let Jill meet your Dad. But 2 weeks b4, you pray to ALL deities you know about, fast, and cross ur fingers and toes that it goes well. Besides, it will be a hilarious event either way.