Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Take Two: Stink in an Elevator

Jill’s Take

So Jack and I are in the elevator in his building the other day, just having finished taking Spot, my dog, out for a walk. I'm holding Spot, per condominium rules, when the elevator stops and 3 more people stroll in. As the door closes, Spot lets out one of his stinky, stanky, LOUD farts: Pffffffffft!

Me: (laughing uncontrollably as quietly as possible)

Jack: Really, you couldn't hold it? (not as quietly as possible)

Me: That wasn't me! It was Spot.

Spot: (Pffffft!)

Me: See?! That was him!

Jack: Stop blaming the dog - it was totally you. You could apologize, you know.

Meanwhile, our elevator friends are visibly uncomfortable, but don't really acknowledge what has just happened. I'm still laughing uncontrollably of course, because apparently I am a 10 year old boy and farts are really, really funny to me--especially because IT WASN'T MINE. I maintain that fact no matter what Jack has to say about it!

Jack’s Take

So Jill and I are in the elevator in my building the other day, just having finished taking Spot, Jill’s dog, out for a walk. Jill rarely holds Spot (even though condominium “rules” require her to do so), but on this particular occasion she was (a) holding Spot, and (b) holding him on her hip. In hindsight, the hip is the perfect place to hold an animal if one is ever interested in…oh, I don’t know…concealing a boisterous fart.

There were three of my neighbors on the elevator as well. They were very “serious looking” (e.g., the guy closest to Jill was wearing an Armani suit and had a copy of The Economist on top of his briefcase; in other words he didn’t really look like a card-carrying member of The Guys Who Think Elevator Farts are Hilarious” club).

As the door closes, Jill farts. It’s clearly Jill and not Spot, since human farts and dog farts sound significantly different. Dog farts tend to be squeaky and high-pitched; this one had some deep bass. My first inclination is to ask Jill if she has a subwoofer stuffed down the back of her jeans.

Jill: (laughing uncontrollably because she thinks it’s hilarious to fart in an elevator full of strangers)

Me: Really, you couldn’t hold it? (trying to let my neighbors know that I was civilized like them and did NOT think it was hilarious to fart in an elevator full of strangers)

Jill: That wasn’t me! It was Spot.

Spot: (looking annoyed and insulted..then deciding he should fart like his Mom just did) Pfffft! (note: Spot’s fart sounded completely different than Jill’s fart)

Me: (genuinely embarrassed) Can both of you try to hold it for a few more floors?

Meanwhile, our elevator friends are visibly uncomfortable, as am I. Jill is still laughing uncontrollably of course, because apparently she is a 10 year old boy and farts are really, really funny to her. I look at her giggling like a school boy and wonder if it’s time for me to give online dating a chance.


rs27 said...

You have to claim your farts Jill. It's the human way.

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

I think farting in an elevator is one of life's greatest pleasures.

Dingo said...

Since we're reduced to the level of 10-year olds, I have to say, "whoever smelt it, dealt it!"

terri said...

Apparently I am a ten year old boy as well. I am wiping tears from my eyes and laughing uncontrollably!

JenBun said...

Hee hee hee!


"Funny" Man does this ALL the time... except HE is the one farting!!

I still giggle. Fart. Hee hee!

Jen said...

I would have been visibly crying from laughing so hard. THIS is one of the funniest things I have heard in a very long time!

Jack, at least you'll know that you'll never have a boring day in the life of SVD with farts. Plus, you need to start carrying a video camera. . .

dmb5_libra said...

fart = comedy gold

surviving myself said...

I have a theory that no one actually reads The Economist. I have to post about this, actually. So don't steal that idea.

Stop writing that down!

jason said...

Now I'm starting to wonder if it was actually Jill that pee'd on her couch, and not my dog Buffy. Even though I was there and saw Buffy do it, I bet Jill engineered the entire thing.

Jill is a stinky weenie.

sid said...

LOL! Well did it smell bad? Course then I would not be impressed with the "dog".

Al said...

I'm with Vonnegut on this one - laughing at farts is the one distinctly human trait that will never die.

Oh, and Saul Alinsky, one of the great community organizers in US history said this:

"Another idea I had that almost came to fruition was directed at the Rochester Philharmonic, which was the establishment's -- and Kodak's -- cultural jewel. I suggested we pick a night when the music would be relatively quiet and buy 100 seats. The 100 blacks scheduled to attend the concert would then be treated to a preshow banquet in the community consisting of nothing but huge portions of baked beans. Can you imagine the inevitable consequences within the symphony hall? The concert would be over before the first movement -- another Freudian slip -- and Rochester would be immortalized as the site of the world's first fart-in."

Farting as activism. Genius.

So, I don't know, maybe Jill was participating in class warfare? I know that I would intentionally fart in an elevator if I was standing next to an Economist reader.