Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Cooking for Two...Hundred

Let me begin by stating the obvious: cooking for two is hard to do. I'm aware that most recipes are designed to feed four or more people. So when you're cooking for two, it's understandable if there are leftovers. But apparently my idea of "leftovers" is significantly different than Jill's idea.

My idea of leftovers: two pieces of lasagna to re-heat the next day

Jill's idea of leftovers: enough full pans of lasagna to feed a high-school football team.

For the record, I love it when Jill cooks for me. (As do my neighbors, their pets, and the homeless guys that live in the alley behind my condo.)

But these are the cold, hard facts:

- A couple of weeks ago I told Jill that I was in the mood for a meatball* sub. So we agreed to make them from scratch together. Based on the recipe she came up with in her head, we ended up rolling approximately sixty-two meatballs, give or take twelve.

- Last weekend Jill decided that she wanted to make vegan pancakes. To prove my theory that she tends to cook more food than any two reasonable adults could possibly eat in one setting, I made a point of trying to count each pancake that she made. I lost track at seventeen.

- Then came "pasta night." Jill's idea was to make a homemade pesto, which sounded great to me. When we went to the grocery store beforehand, however, I questioned Jill's insistence that we get THREE CUPS of basil. "Yep, I'm positive we'll need that much," she assured me. People, the next time you're at a grocery store, please make a point of noting how many leaves come in a one cup package of basil. And then please multiply that amount by three. And then remember that we were cooking a dish for TWO PEOPLE. I'm convinced I actually went into a "basil coma" that evening. I also had pesto breath for the next four days.

- Last night Jill innocently told me that she was going to "whip up something simple." When it was finally time to sit down, she served me a BBQ rib* sandwich, asparagus, corn on the cob, and enough sweet potato fries to feed a family of sixteen. After stuffing myself to the brim, I noticed that there were roughly eight ears of corn on the cob still available. Did I already mention it was just the two of us?

She's officially out of control.

If you or anyone you know has suffered from this serious condition known as "IsecretlywanttobeajuniorhighlunchladyandsoIcookmyproportionsaccordingly," please let me know of any possible treatments. Thanks.
* Jill is vegan. So the meatballs were really veggieballs. And the ribs were really soy ribs.


Chief Rock Chef said...

Jack, I think you have a much more serious problem here - I think Jill is "A Feeder". Before you know it you will weigh 400 pounds and be her prisoner for ever!

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Vegan pancakes?

Naturally Sarcastic said...

you know what's for one person! I am so used to cooking for 6 or more that cooking for just me is so hard.....and depressing! So now when I cook, I cook for two and just eat the left overs for lunch or dinner.

KayakNej said...

Jack, I feel your pain! My hubby spent a number of years as the cook at his fire station. Somehow he thinks that cooking for the two of us requires the same amount of food as cooking for 10-12 very hungry firemen. We have containers of chili, pans of lasagna, and bags of corn chowder in the freezer to prove it!!!

KindredSmile said...

Jill should use a recipe converter - the ones from are usually accurate and don't call for complicated math.

Or you guys should buy some freezer bags and call it a day.

STP said...

Jill, it is time for me to teach you the art of freezing things. Get a box of Glad freezer bags and then we'll begin our lesson.

Anonymous said...

Invite me over for dinner! That'll help the leftover cause!

Jack and Jill said...

chief - Thank you for raising my awareness. Now that I think about it, Jill has been acting A LOT like Kathy Bates's character in "Misery" lately.

- Jack

JenBun said...

But Jill COOKS for you!!!


(Did you eat all the pancakes???)

rs27 said...

Man your refigerator must look awesome.

I need lunch for the next year.

Jack and Jill said...

CHIEF - Guilty as charged - I am a feeder.

SIR - Yep, they are fantastic. Want the recipe?

NATURALLY - See? Leftovers are the best!

KAYAK - But you're never hungry, are you???

KINDREDSMILE - But isn't it the worst when you do the converter and then that recipe's idea of a serving is about 1/4 of what you'd like to be a serving? I hate that.

STP - I always forget things when they're frozen and then throw them out months later. I'm an idiot.

JASON - Done and done!

JACK - You DO know that I can read these comments too, don't you?

JENBUN - I think we had to throw some out, but not many!

RS27 - My fridge is always full. Jack's is always empty - unless I've been cooking over there. Actually, the state of his fridge constitutes its own blog entry...


Anonymous said...

...As a female who does not cook, at all, and whose boyfriend thus never gets a homemade meal, you should be grateful she cooks for you (and the neighborhood) at all. Not all girlfriends, i.e. myself, are quite that nice, ha.

Hollywood Sucker said...

Oh dear...I do the same thing. You never know if someone is going to randomly drop by right as you're serving dinner. You'll need enough for your guest.

Or what if you want seconds? Or thirds?

Chief Rock Chef said...

Jack - really? Keep her away from electric carving knives...

Jen said...

I dunno . . . I love to cook.

Of course I have the same affliction that Jill does. Mass quantities for only 2. Guilty as charged.

surviving myself said...

Please send me some pancakes.

Luvvie (aka Queen IG) said...

Jack, if your complaint is TOO much food, then you and Jill have an ideal relationship.

P.S. I dig pancakes. You can send them to Chicago, and I will take care of them for ya.

Peter said...

3 cups of basil cracked me up. That is a shitload of basil.

That being said, a woman that stuffs you with food and leaves you with a tonne of leftovers... I can get behind that as a concept.

sid said...

Or maybe Jill wants to use her power for evil and become the next Martha Steward, making the rest of womanhood feel bad about not making mashmallows from scratch?