Got Bidet?

I’ve always considered myself to be a rather clean dude. I keep my fingernails dirt-free. I floss every day. I even change the sheets on my bed once a week. And yet after recently visiting my friend Kiro’s house, I now feel like I belong in a pigpen.

This “cleanliness inferiority” complex sprouted right after I used his bathroom. And saw this thingy:

Naturally I had no idea what it was or how it worked. So I just got on my knees, washed my hands and left.Upon exiting the bathroom, Kiro noticed the look on my face and said the following: “I should have given you a heads-up, man. You’ve probably never used a bidet, huh?”

“Umm…you mean that low sink with the really deep bowl?”

Kiro then channeled his inner Tim Allen and gave me a Tool Time presentation on bidets. I don’t want to get too technical, so I’ll just leave it at this: a bidet allows you to wash your pooper with water. Kiro – who is from Japan – went on to explain that nearly everyone in Japan uses a bidet after they go number two. He told me that it was “unsanitary” to just use toilet paper. “You need some water, man,” he said. “How are you going to clean down there without water?”

And you know what? I think he’s right.

The more I thought about it, the more I agreed: how are you going to clean down there without water?

I thought about other cleaning activities and – surprise, surprise – they all involved some good ol’ fashioned H20. Imagine that you’ve just gone for a ten mile run and now you’re really sweaty. Would you ever just consider wiping yourself clean with a towel? Of course not. And yet that’s essentially what we’re doing each time we wipe ourselves clean with some Charmin.

Perhaps a more vivid analogy involves a white dinner plate. Now spread some beef stroganoff across that plate. For artistic purposes, let’s even go ahead and sprinkle some corn on the plate as well.

Now when it comes time to clean said plate, are you going to simply wipe it clean with a paper towel? No way, Jose. You’re going to rinse that bad boy with about two gallons of water. Anything less would be flat out disgusting. Which is why I’m heading to The Home Depot tonight. I think it’s high time for this dirtball to clean up his act.

Editor’s note: After doing some additional research, I found two more nuggets (no pun intended). Toto is a Japanese company known for its upper-end bidets. On Toto’s website, consumers are encouraged to “experience unequaled cleanliness, comfort, and refreshment…the ultimate in modern hygiene.” Even better, Toto also sells handheld bidets (i.e., portable butt sprayers). Apparently when Japanese tourists travel overseas, they want to still be able to feel so fresh and so clean when they utilize less equipped toilets. Inspirational.