Thursday, October 2, 2008

Got Bidet?

I’ve always considered myself to be a rather clean dude. I keep my fingernails dirt-free. I floss every day. I even change the sheets on my bed once a week. And yet after recently visiting my friend Kiro’s house, I now feel like I belong in a pigpen.

This “cleanliness inferiority” complex sprouted right after I used his bathroom. And saw this thingy:

Naturally I had no idea what it was or how it worked. So I just got on my knees, washed my hands and left.Upon exiting the bathroom, Kiro noticed the look on my face and said the following: “I should have given you a heads-up, man. You’ve probably never used a bidet, huh?”

“Umm…you mean that low sink with the really deep bowl?”

Kiro then channeled his inner Tim Allen and gave me a Tool Time presentation on bidets. I don’t want to get too technical, so I’ll just leave it at this: a bidet allows you to wash your pooper with water. Kiro – who is from Japan – went on to explain that nearly everyone in Japan uses a bidet after they go number two. He told me that it was “unsanitary” to just use toilet paper. “You need some water, man,” he said. “How are you going to clean down there without water?”

And you know what? I think he’s right.

The more I thought about it, the more I agreed: how are you going to clean down there without water?

I thought about other cleaning activities and – surprise, surprise – they all involved some good ol’ fashioned H20. Imagine that you’ve just gone for a ten mile run and now you’re really sweaty. Would you ever just consider wiping yourself clean with a towel? Of course not. And yet that’s essentially what we’re doing each time we wipe ourselves clean with some Charmin.

Perhaps a more vivid analogy involves a white dinner plate. Now spread some beef stroganoff across that plate. For artistic purposes, let’s even go ahead and sprinkle some corn on the plate as well.

Now when it comes time to clean said plate, are you going to simply wipe it clean with a paper towel? No way, Jose. You’re going to rinse that bad boy with about two gallons of water. Anything less would be flat out disgusting. Which is why I’m heading to The Home Depot tonight. I think it’s high time for this dirtball to clean up his act.

Editor’s note: After doing some additional research, I found two more nuggets (no pun intended). Toto is a Japanese company known for its upper-end bidets. On Toto’s website, consumers are encouraged to “experience unequaled cleanliness, comfort, and refreshment…the ultimate in modern hygiene.” Even better, Toto also sells handheld bidets (i.e., portable butt sprayers). Apparently when Japanese tourists travel overseas, they want to still be able to feel so fresh and so clean when they utilize less equipped toilets. Inspirational.


Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Wow! I've heard of Bidet's before but I've never seen one in person. I never even thought to have one but after reading this post, it makes perfect sense. Hmmmm....

Luvvie (aka Queen IG) said...

Aahhh the Japanese. First they gave us sushi, now bidets. What would we do without them??

Peter said...

Now I want to feel that kind of unparalleled cleanliness, dammit.

Anonymous said...

Baby wipes also work extremely well for those of us less affluent or living in apartments. They're more portable too. :)

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Big fan of bidets. I want to start my own bidet company called ASS-U-CLEAN or something equally catchy.

Of course, considering the puritanical hogwash that infects wide swaths of our country, it might be accused of being too provocative.

JenBun said...

Despite the opening line, it took me a minute to realize that this was not Jill writing.

And I was glad.

I was eating. While reading this.

I have never wanted stroganoff (or corn!) less in my life.

Amanda said...

I'm a personal assistant and my 78 year old boss was having me research where to get a good bidet. She started going on how amazing they are. How sensual the experience is and how should could replace her husband with one.


KindredSmile said...

I'm def for the bidet as well. Only used them overseas, though.

I think the "personal cleanliness" thing is catching on here in the US. I've seen so many companies aggressively market their "hygiene cloths" within the past two years, I'd begun to wonder if we were all a little stroganoffed down there.

Al said...

Holy hell, I nearly cried reading the stroganoff paragraph. So, so funny.

And yeah, I've never used a bidet, but I've always wanted to. I guess there's a company that sells bidet attachments for your toilet so you don't have to install a separate unit (this is just one example of the wonderful things my wife learns being a health professional).

rs27 said...

I would never use something that is also Obama's running mate.

Jack and Jill said...

tee, peter, al, and rs - Try one. It'll change your life.

luvvie - To pay my proper respects, I'm tempted to hang up a Japanese flag on my bedroom wall.

danjerus - Do baby wipes flush?

sir - How about "Slippery (and Clean) When Wet" for a bidet company's name?

jen - This post definitely should have had a disclaimer: if you're eating stroganoff, stop reading.

amanda - Please confirm that your 78 year-old boss's favorite song is Sensual Seduction by Snoop Dogg. 'Cause that's how I'm picturing her.

kindred - "Stroganoffed." Great adjective.

- Jack

pistols at dawn said...

Women I know who can't afford new plumbing (or better men) just keep wet wipes in the bathroom as sort of a white trash version of this.

Plus, it helps remind them of the children they haven't had yet, disappointing their mothers.

Everybody wins.

pistols at dawn said...

Sometimes I don't read other people's comments until after I post, and then I look dumb.

But yes, they flush.

anne said...

I worked for a wacko architect who was hardcore pro-bidet and would say to clients, "Think about it - if you had poop on your hand, would you wipe it off with a napkin?"

dmb5_libra said...

anne - he makes a very good point!

bidet. i just love saying the word.

Chief Rock Chef said...

Hell, why not just go straight for the colonic irrigation?

Jen said...

My neighbors had a bidet built into their master bath.

They're moving now. I'm not really sure what I mean by this comment?

Anonymous said...

You can buy flushable wipes ... now if you'll excuse me I need to head over to Pistols' place to hand out a bitch-slap. I'll show him white trash! :)

JenBun said...

Haha, you guys got tagged!

(On my blog. Nothing to do with bidets.) ;)

Butch Boo said...

You Yanks!! Honestly!!!!

Constructive Attitude said...

You know in the Muslim faith, you are actually required, like it literally is an obligation that you use water to clean yourself. and im so glad someone else finally has understood that you cannot be clean without water. Just like you said with the plate and running and sweating. you wont just clean yourself with a paper towel or tissue. in order to be clean you have to use water AND soap.

surviving myself said...

You change your sheets once a week???

You're not human dude.

No way.

sid said...

Hahaha. I once went to a restuarant where the toilet allowed one to push a button, squirt water up your ass and essential soften your poop so that the user will no longer suffer from constipation. I kid you not.

Anonymous said...

going off 'constructive attitude' and the middle east, i haven't always found tp to follow up water. i've seen bidehs, tiny hoses, & watering cans, but tp isn't always guaranteed. so, after shaking off the water, the pants come up. moist underwear is not a girl's friend. also, being taught to use the bathroom in another country as an adult is humbling. learning from a 5 yr old you're supposed to be helping is something i'll only admit here.


Bidet Reviews said...

It is true that its unsanitary to just use toilet paper without water. The dirt still remain for sure. Bidet wasn't that spread on the entire world and there are just few countries who were using this bidet. As time passes, the use of Bidet will surely spread.