Monday, December 15, 2008

House Rules

I spend a decent amount of time over at Jack's place, so over the course of the past few months, I've gotten fairly comfortable there. He is nice enough to let me bring my dog, Spot, along anytime I come over, and he doesn't fuss about how the second we enter his place, Spot runs into the bedroom and makes himself at home right on Jack's pillow. Ok, he fusses a little bit, but not as much as he surely could.

Anyhoo, while I feel very welcome at Jack's, there are also a few things I've learned about him that were surprising at first. For starters, there are strict rules regarding the toilet paper:
  1. Toilet paper must be positioned such that the user pulls sheets off from the top, sometimes referred to as "over", as opposed to "under". Should toilet paper be replaced in such a way that it does not comply to this standard, the replacer shall be promptly notified and must remedy the situation immediately.
  2. Should a user need to replace a roll of toilet paper, there is a conveniently located roll near by in a place called "on deck". If the replacer uses the on deck roll to replace the original roll, that person is bound by law (under threat of severe punishment by Police Officer Jack) to additionally replace the "on deck" roll. Replacements for "on deck" rolls can be found in the hall linen closet.
And those are only the ones I've learned so far - there may very well be additional rules that have not yet been communicated to me. About TOILET PAPER.

Other rules I've picked up on include:
  • If you make fun of the contents of Jack's fridge, you lose the privilege of consuming whatever might be in there.
    If Jack says he's going to cook for you HE DOES NOT WANT YOUR HELP AT ALL. Don't you dare try to help him chop vegetables or do anything even remotely helpful. Even if it takes what feels like an eternity, don't get any ideas - he will do it himself!
  • Do not assume that just because Jack lives there, he wants to clean up after you.
  • Do not get mascara stains on his bath towels. For some reason he did not like this the first 100 times I did it. I thought he'd get used to it, but he never did.
  • Do not let Spot poop on the white carpet.
  • Should Spot poop on the white carpet, don't say "meh, you have other stains anyway".

So I guess you could say he's pretty uptight. It's a good thing I'm so flexible and caring, because I've learned to accept these little quirks about him. He's had it easy by comparison - I hardly have any house rules. Spot has several, like "I get to go where ever I want when ever I want and feed me now and then take me out and then I want a biscuit and now let's take a nap and gimme some attention and rub my belly, and then TAKE ME ON ANOTHER WALK!" Easy, right?


STP said...

I'm with Jack on the toilet paper rules. The toilet paper holder must be filled with 3 rolls at all times. If you need to remove one to put on the roll, another must be removed from the bathroom closet to replace the one removed from the holder. When replacing the lid on the holder, the seam must be lined up with the base and the seam must face the wall.

If you put the toilet paper on the roll upside-down (under rather than over), I will cut you.

I'm well on my way to some serious OCD.

amindinmotown said...

Oooo, I'm an "over," too. Boyfriend keeps putting it "under" and it drives me nuts!

pistols at dawn said...

I've never taken the time to think about toilet paper this much, but then again, I usually live in places where I don't much care which part of the floor stuff gets thrown on, so count your blessings.

Also, number of times I've offered to cook for someone: possibly less than 5.

Vegetable Assassin said...

Haha funny, HOWEVER, the toilet paper thing is gospel. Over is right. Under will get you beheaded. That's how it should be.

Mascara on the towels though, that's just wear and tear, man.

rs27 said...

just using the bathroom is rule enough for me.

surviving myself said...

I have serious problems with people who put the TP under and not over. Why make your life more difficult by having to reach under to get it???

choofy said...

Ha, you guys are so damn lovable.

Who cares about TP when there's poo stains on the carpet and doggie hairs on my pillow? Sorry, I didn't have a dog growing up.

JenBun said...

I like "over" as well, but I really don't make a big thing about it.

Funny Man, on the other hand...

There are lots of rules at his house. He even tries to make rules for when he comes over to my house!

That just doesn't fly.

Chief Rock Chef said...

I am with Jack on the cooking thing - if I am cooking, then I AM COOKING! If "We are cooking" that is another matter.

Poop on the white carpet? A guy with white carpet????

We don't have many house rules - just an expectation that people will respect us and our stuff, really, which, I guess, includes not getting mascara on the towels ;-)

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

You can't 'meh' indiscriminate dog pooping. The 'meh' wouldn't fly with me, either. I fear I'd have to bring both you and the dog back over to the poop, make you both look at said poop, then yell, 'NO!! NO!!'

This seems to work with most dogs, as they eventually take the hint, but I've never had to try it on girlfriends, so I'm not sure how effective it would be there.

Angela said...

I feel like I need to go home and inspect how my toilet paper rolls off the rack. To think that all of the years, I never even noticed.

Shila Shila and Cult Jam said...

Regarding the TP issue... RIGHT ON, JACK!!!

Makes me insane!!! I get all passive-aggressive about it too, and roll it down enough so that it touches the floor in retaliation.

He h*tes that!!!

Jen said...

I do the same thing as Jack regarding the toilet paper. But the difference is, is that if the husband does actually replace the roll improperly, I don't say nuttin'. I say nothing, b/c he is at least replacing it; however, if done incorrectly, I just re-do it myself. I also just throw another one "on the deck" myself as well.

It just makes it easier this way.

I also used to be "Jack in the kitchen". But now, I relish the help! Cut and chop all you want, the husband!

peterdewolf said...

ALWAYS "over" with the toilet paper.

This should not ever be a question.

Anonymous said...

I've already told Jack (quite a while ago) that i agree with him on the OVER TP thing. Working in a nursing home, i think this is a must. I mean, when someone with poop on their hand goes to grab some TP, you don't want that sh*t (haha) on the wall, right?


Luvvie (aka Queen IG) said...

LOL @ the rule book

Hey gal and guy. You've been tagged by me. Make ur way to to see why.

Anonymous said...

Did you and Jack break up? If not, you're the laziest bloggers ever. It's already been a full week since this post.

Jack and Jill said...

Thank you, everyone, for your comments. It seems I am definitely in the minority on the toilet paper issue. I will try to mend my ways.

ANON - Settle down! We were on vacation. We just posted now though, so please go enjoy!