Staycation Report, Part I: When Jack Sold Jill Out

This past week Jack and I were on vacation. More accurately, we were on STAYcation. That's what you do when the economy is so bad you're not sure if you'll have a job next month, your student loans feel suffocating, and all you care about is being together anyway so why bother traveling? (Cue "awwww"s and vomiting). Instead of going somewhere sunny where we could sit on the beach and drink martinis all day long, we opted to stay in the frozen tundra we call home, where we were treated to several days in a row of below zero temperatures (you can see how happy we were with that to the right). Spot was also less than thrilled with the weather, but pleased as pie (can pie be pleased?) to have so much attention all week.

Anyway, Jack and I have a number of stories to share about our staycation, but one I'd like to discuss first is a trip we took to a local comedy club. Somehow when I bought my tickets I must have specified FRONT ROW because that's exactly where we ended up. This made me nervous immediately because comics sometimes like to mock the people in the front. I don't like to be mocked, you see, which I know is quite a unique characteristic.

About 30 minutes in to the main act, the comedian hadn't made fun of anyone yet, so I started to feel a little more comfortable. Well, it was that and the wine, which will always put a girl at ease (and make a girl easy - ba-dup-dup-dup - I'm here all week folks! Hahaha!).

HOWEVER. At one point, the comic - a lady - said something to the effect of "you men know how we women can be a little crazy at times...". Suddenly I feel Jack's hand leave my shoulder. In horror, I watch as he raises it above my head, almost in slow motion, and POINTS down at me, while sporting a huge grin. Did I mention we were in the front row? EVERYONE stared at me, and the comic even pointed out Jack's "hilarious" move - "look, this guy up here even pointed at his girlfriend!", she said. I think she did that just in case anyone in the entire room missed the fact that my boyfriend totally sold me out! I turned 16 shades of red.

Jack, of course, thought he was just about the funniest human being in the world. I elbowed him in the ribs and reminded him it's never a good idea to mess with crazy people. Muhahaha!

Jack's Two Cents

I must not have heard the comedian correctly. I thought she said, "you men know how women can be a little sexy at times." Sexy, not crazy. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Jack Asks Jill About Women's Clothing

Jack Asks: At what age do women decide to stop shopping in the "Juniors" section and start shopping in the Women's section? And why are so many of the clothes in the Women's section unflattering, dull, and sometimes downright hideous?

Jill Answers: This is a hard question. Are we supposed to ask each other hard questions? I thought this was just for fun? I have a headache.

Okay, okay, let's get on with it. I've actually often wondered this same thing. I mean, upon someday birthing a child, will I suddenly acquire a fondness for heavily patterned holiday sweaters and pleated pants? Will menopause bring with it a penchant for muu-muus and bad haircuts? Do older men suddenly become attracted to this type of attire and that's why women wear it? Will I have to wear gigantic white cotton underwear too?

Okay, I know that last one has you hyperventilating since you almost lost it when I said I might purchase some Spanx. Calm down for a minute.

Anyway, here's what I've come up with as an answer to your question -- I used to try get my mom (who is pretty young for a mother of a 32 year old) to wear hip, cute clothes. She'd put them on and I'd ooh and aah over how awesome she looked. Then she'd scrunch up her face in the mirror, tug on the "tight" shirt, and say she felt fat or that she looked like she was "trying too hard to look young". You see, there are a couple of things to know about my mom: 1) she used to be a size 4; 2) she used to be quite the snazzy dresser in her day. She's not a large woman now, but she's certainly no size 4, 32 years and 4 kids later, you know? I think in her mind she feels like she can't dress trendy anymore because she doesn't look how she used to look. This, to me, seems absurd. Is she a tiny 20 year old size 4? No, but that doesn't mean she can't look cute & trendy. I mean, I'm not encouraging her to wear mini skirts and tube tops here, just to wear shirts that, oh, I don't know, FIT. Instead, a lot of the time she masks her no longer size 4 body in XXL sweat shirts. Ridiculous, I say!

So...what's my point? I am guessing that sometimes women feel like if they don't look like they did when they were 20, they should dress "more appropriately". The problem here is that their idea of "more appropriately" isn't really....appropriate. Flaunt what yer mama gave you, right? Just because you're 50+ years old and gravity has taken a toll doesn't mean that you can't be a hot mama! Right?

That's what I'm going with, because I plan to squeeze my ass into corset tops and stripper heels even when I'm 50. That seems like a good idea, right? Maybe that's not exactly what you meant....

Jack Follows-Up: For the record, older men DO NOT suddenly become attracted to heavily patterned holiday sweaters, pleated pants, or gigantic white underwear that could also be worn as bike shorts. Also, the idea that older women "don't want to dress too young" confuses me. Who said anything about trying to look young? Just try to look attractive, OK? And by "try to look attractive," I mean try to never, ever, ever wear mom jeans.

House Rules

I spend a decent amount of time over at Jack's place, so over the course of the past few months, I've gotten fairly comfortable there. He is nice enough to let me bring my dog, Spot, along anytime I come over, and he doesn't fuss about how the second we enter his place, Spot runs into the bedroom and makes himself at home right on Jack's pillow. Ok, he fusses a little bit, but not as much as he surely could.

Anyhoo, while I feel very welcome at Jack's, there are also a few things I've learned about him that were surprising at first. For starters, there are strict rules regarding the toilet paper:

1. Toilet paper must be positioned such that the user pulls sheets off from the top, sometimes referred to as "over", as opposed to "under". Should toilet paper be replaced in such a way that it does not comply to this standard, the replacer shall be promptly notified and must remedy the situation immediately.
   
2. Should a user need to replace a roll of toilet paper, there is a conveniently located roll near by in a place called "on deck". If the replacer uses the on deck roll to replace the original roll, that person is bound by law (under threat of severe punishment by Police Officer Jack) to additionally replace the "on deck" roll. Replacements for "on deck" rolls can be found in the hall linen closet.

And those are only the ones I've learned so far - there may very well be additional rules that have not yet been communicated to me. About TOILET PAPER.

Other rules I've picked up on include:

• If you make fun of the contents of Jack's fridge, you lose the privilege of consuming whatever might be in there.
  If Jack says he's going to cook for you HE DOES NOT WANT YOUR HELP AT ALL. Don't you dare try to help him chop vegetables or do anything even remotely helpful. Even if it takes what feels like an eternity, don't get any ideas - he will do it himself!
• Do not assume that just because Jack lives there, he wants to clean up after you.
• Do not get mascara stains on his bath towels. For some reason he did not like this the first 100 times I did it. I thought he'd get used to it, but he never did.
• Do not let Spot poop on the white carpet.
• Should Spot poop on the white carpet, don't say "meh, you have other stains anyway".

So I guess you could say he's pretty uptight. It's a good thing I'm so flexible and caring, because I've learned to accept these little quirks about him. He's had it easy by comparison - I hardly have any house rules. Spot has several, like "I get to go where ever I want when ever I want and feed me now and then take me out and then I want a biscuit and now let's take a nap and gimme some attention and rub my belly, and then TAKE ME ON ANOTHER WALK!" Easy, right?

Jack Asks Jill: Why is it OK for You to Wear My Clothes?

Jack Asks: Why is it more acceptable for a girl to wear something from her boyfriend’s closet than it is for a boy to wear something from his girlfriend’s closet?

Jill Answers: Um, have you seen how adorable I am in your sweatshirts? HAVE YOU? Well, I think that answers why it's acceptable for a girl to wear something from her boyfriend's closet. On the other hand, have you seen the size of my t-shirts? If you put one of those babies on (have you?? be honest, honey, I won't judge you), you'd look sort of like this:

Only probably worse since most of my shirts involve a deep V-neck cut so as to show off "the girls" [read: boobies!]. (In case you all are wondering, that shirt says "I [HEART] FASHION", which is what most of my t-shirts say, obviously.)

Anyway, the point is that I'm cute and you are too but maybe just not in my clothes. Or any girl's clothes. Come to think of it, you asking this question mere days after you tried to convince me (okay, succeeded in convincing me) that Victoria's Secret had opened up a store for men, selling lacey boxers and what not, I am starting to wonder if I should be concerned. Am I not reading the signs? Somebody send help.

Jack Follows-Up: Your response is far-from-satisfying, Jilly. And for the record: no where in my question did I state that I WANTED to wear girls clothes. I was just noting that there seems to be a double-standard that deserves to be called out. If a girl wears a guy’s shirt, why is it considered “cute” as opposed to “butch”? And to be honest, I just asked you this question in the hopes that you’ll return some of the hoodies, sweatpants, boxers, etc. that you’ve borrowed stolen from me.

Jill Asks Jack: What's Wrong with Briefs?

Jill Asks: Why do men prefer boxers over briefs? I happen to think that briefs are quite adorable and yet most men refuse to wear them. Flaunt what your mama gave you, I say! But seriously, why do men have such an negative/surprised reaction when I say, "I like briefs on a man"?

Jack Answers: Before we begin, let's make sure that we're all on the same page. When I reference "briefs," I'm talking about tighty-whiteys, OK? I'm not talking about boxer-briefs, as those are more like boxers than briefs (and boxer-briefs happen to be my underwear-of-choice, thankyouverymuch).

I also want to state up-front that there is a notable exception to the Boxers Over Briefs Rule: working out. Running, jumping, etc. while wearing boxers is about as fun as getting softly kicked in the junk over and over again, so every guy should own at least a few pairs of briefs for when he's physically active.

Now that the nomenclature is clear, let's get to the main point: there are only two types of dudes who should wear briefs on a regular basis: (1) dudes over 50, and (2) dudes who wear really, really, really tight pants. That's it. End of story.

Since I've been in my share of health club locker rooms over the years, I estimate that I've seen roughly 500 different men over the age of 50 in their underwear. And guess how many of them have been wearing briefs? Every. Single. One. Their commitment to briefs is impressive. So impressive that it's become a part of the uniform for the 50+ club. "Oh, look, he's wearing briefs; he must be one of us." Similarly to how I don't want to wear the same style of jeans that my dad wears, I don't want to wear the same style of undies, either.

The only other time it would make sense to wear briefs is if your pants were so tight that the excess boxer material bunched up and made it look like you were wearing a diaper. But since I don't wear TIGHTS to the office, this isn't really a concern of mine.

One other point worth noting: briefs look A LOT like girls' underwear (e.g., the "boy cut" panty at Victoria's Secret looks exactly like a pair of briefs). So maybe your obsession with briefs points to a bigger underlying issue that the two of us should discuss offline, perhaps?

In summary, if you're a fan of briefs, deep-down you're probably attracted to old men, really tight pants, and/or women.

Jill's Follow-Up:
Dear Jack,

There's something I've been wanting to tell you: I think maybe I'm attracted to old women in tight pants. I've thought a lot about your response to this question and I see no other possibility. I thought you should know.

Love, Jill.

Are briefs on men as awesome as Jill thinks they are?
	HECK YEAH!
	Only if you're over 50, like Jack said
	Um, NO. Not awesome at all.
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New Feature Coming on Jack & Jill!

Hi there. We'd like to get you all hot and bothered about something. We've decided to start a new feature here on J & J. Well, it's kind of two new features, but the concept for each is the same:

Jack Asks Jill

Jill Asks Jack

Basically we'll be posing questions to each other, which are to be answered by each party in such a way as to speak for that party's entire gender. Simple, right? Yep, Jack will ask Jill things about women and Jill will ask Jack about men and whatever we say is representative of all men and all women.

I think this will be a winner.

If anyone out there would like to suggest a question or topic, we are open to borrowing and/or outright stealing your questions, so feel free to put them forth!

If Jack Killed Spot...

Jack had a dog when he was growing up, but he's never had a pet as an adult. I've had a kitty of my own since I was 21, and have had my dog, Spot, for about 4 years now. He is one of the greatest joys in my life. He is like my baby, and I can't imagine my life without him.* I think the intensity of my feelings for Spot has at times been surprising to Jack (and basically everyone else), and perhaps difficult to understand, but Jack has been a great sport about letting Spot be a part of the time we spend together.

Recently, Jack even started taking the leash when we take Spot for a walk. On one of these occasions, he let Spot get a little too close to running out into traffic for my comfort level (my little baby isn't the brightest about cars - he thinks they look like big dogs and wants to go play with them, I think) (Spot, not Jack). Um, anyway, after I screamed something like "OHMYGOD he just got really close to running into traffic! You have to keep him closer to you!", Jack asked the following question:

Do you think you'd break up with me if I let your dog get hit by a car?

If you were responsible for the death of my beloved dog, yes, that would probably be a deal-breaker.

Even if it was a huge accident and I felt TERRIBLE?

Well, I'm just not sure I could get over that, and I think I'd harbor some resentment toward you even if I knew you felt bad. Just don't do it, and we'll be fine, okay?

I don't think he liked my answer. I also don't think he remembered my answer because a couple weeks later he asked if he could take Spot off the leash so that he could chase bunnies better. In downtown. On a patch of grass the size of my bedroom. IN DOWNTOWN. I said no, which is good because moments later Spot almost dragged Jack out into traffic chasing one of those bounding bunnies.

What do you think? Could you forgive your boyfriend/girlfriend if s/he let your dog** get smooshed like a bug?

Could you forgive your significant other?
	Yes
	Maybe--if s/he felt REALLY bad about it
	No way no how, hit the road, Jack!
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___________
* And no, I don't feel like a big loser for admitting that. Bite me.
** If you don't have a dog and/or don't like animals (i.e., you have no soul) (just kidding) (not really though), think of something else you love and use that for the example, please.