Jack Makes Himself Unavailable

A while back I wrote a post about "Five Things that Boil My Blood."

I'd now like to add a sixth: when yoga instructors use the expression, "If it's available to you."

Here's an example:

- The instructor directs you into a fairly basic pose (e.g., Plank Pose*).

- You begin to feel good about yourself. "Hey, I got this. I can feel my core tightening. Good work, Jack."

- Then he or she drops a bombshell. "Now, if it's available to you, curl your left leg up towards your lower back and continue curling your left leg until it's resting on your right shoulder. Next, if it's available to you, curl your right leg up towards your lower back and carefully guide your leg through the space created by your left leg resting on your right shoulder. Then - and only if it's available to you - extend your left arm out in front of you until it's parallel with the ground, leaving you balancing your entire bodyweight on your right arm while your legs are coiled up in the shape of a poorly-made Bavarian pretzel. Remember, you should do this only if it's available to you."

There's just something about the expression that makes me want to go postal. It's just so...passive aggressive. Like it's a way for someone to say "there's no f'ing way you can do this" while at the same time sounding like they think you can do it.

Going forward, I think I'm going to use this expression whenever asking someone to do the near impossible. Hey, Jill, if it's available to you, win the lottery this weekend.
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* If you're not familiar with plank pose, imagine that you're about to do a push-up (i.e., your arms are fully extended).

Jill Adds: Every time we're doing yoga and an instructor says this after suggesting something impossibly difficult, Jack looks at me like he might go punch her--without fail, every time. It makes me giggle. Does that make me a bad girlfriend?

Ew, There's Poop in My Mouth!!?

Not long ago, Jack and I were at a friend's wedding enjoying some vino when we both decided we had to go use the bathroom. He set his wine down outside the bathroom, and I had planned to take mine in. As I was walking in, he says "you shouldn't take that wine in there."

"Why?"

"Because it's not good for you."

"I beg to differ, wine is GREAT for me!"

"I mean the molecules of stuff that will get in there."

"Molecules?" (What? I didn't do well in science, get off my back.)

"Yeah...like, if you can smell poop in the bathroom, then when you open your mouth or if you bring a beverage in there, you're basically asking to eat some poop."

"But I don't want to eat poop!....Wait, is this another one of your schemes to get me to believe something ridiculous so you can tell all your friends later and make me look like an idiot?"

He took my glass and set it down on a nearby table, swearing that he was telling the truth.

"The reason we smell things is because there are all these molecules in the air. So if you open your mouth in that bathroom, you're ingesting anything that you can smell - like poop."

I left my wine outside, but refused to believe him until I could Google that shit (pun intended). And it turns out he's kind of right. This is unfortunate because 1) I don't like it when Jack is right and I am wrong, and 2) I don't want to eat poop. Ever. And now every time I go into a stinky public bathroom, my lips are sealed as tight as possible because all I can think about is that Poop is trying to get in using its clever molecules! Well I'm onto you, Poop (not literally, that would be gross), and I'm not letting you molecule your way into my mouth. TAKE THAT!

I Do What?? Getting to Know Myself...

One of the interesting things about spending a lot of time with someone is that you end up learning more about yourself. Your partner will notice and (if you're as super lucky as I am) point out your odd little quirks - things that you've become so used to you hardly know you do it anymore. These are a few of the things Jack has pointed out in the past several months:

• I have a strange tick where apparently I shake my head back & forth once very quickly, and I quote, "violently". This may explain why I have chronic neck pain, but that's another story. The thing is, I don't notice when I do this. Jack told me recently that for the first 6 months we hung out, he thought maybe I had a mild case of Tourette Syndrome. My own boyfriend thought I suffered from a nervous system disorder. I asked him why he didn't say anything sooner. He was like "well, I don't know, I just figured you didn't want to talk about it." BUT HE THOUGHT I HAD TOURETTE'S. That seems like something you'd mention, you know? Anyway, now every time I do this, he alerts me. I still don't notice, but maybe eventually I will. I'm weird.


• I used to think that the reason I was always covered in bruises was just because I bruise easily. When Jack & I first started dating, he'd see a massive and dark bruise on my arm or something and say "WHAT HAPPENED? That looks awful!" I could never remember, which concerned him more. "I just bruise easily, that's all", I'd tell him. Turns out I am an unbelievable klutz. Like, how did I not know that before? The reason I have massive bruises is because I am always falling down or dropping something on my feet, or running into inanimate objects. Jack is kind enough to point this out each and every time.


• I sweat. A lot. Even when it's not warm out at all. I find Jack's house to be unbearably hot most of the time. Sometimes I wonder if he is just trying to get me out of my clothes, if we're being honest. I mean, who has their house at 107 degrees F year round?


• I sleep. A lot. So much so that Jack thinks I have suffered from mono for the past 8 months. If I had a dime for every time he's asked me "do you think you have mono?" I would have lots and lots of dimes, people.

As for Jack's behavior, I think I'm far too kind to point out his quirks. I mean, sure, he soaks the bath mat every time he emerges from the shower, but do I mention that every time it happens? No, I sure don't. And he puts his milk in the bowl before pouring his cereal, which I think is possibly the most bizarre thing I've ever seen - nobody does it that way, right? But I only mention that to him every OTHER time he does it because I'm nice like that.

Jack's Follow-Up: Unless you (a) don't have teeth, or (b) just prefer your cereal to be really soggy, you should always pour the milk in first. Trust me. Try it once, and you'll never go back.

Readers: What have YOU learned about yourself from your significant other? Did s/he think you had leprosy or something? Multiple personality disorder? Please share!

Jill Asks Jack About PMS

Jill Asks: When will men finally acknowledge that PMS is real?!!

Jack Answers: This one's easy. I'll acknowledge that PMS is real as soon as you acknowledge that PNS is also real.

What's that? You've never heard of PNS? Well let me fill you in. PNS occurs only in males. It's caused by a change in hormones (i.e., testosterone) once a month. Symptoms of this serious syndrome include:

• A biological need to not wear anything other than sweat pants and cut-off t-shirts.


• A biological need to ask you if our butt looks big in said sweat pants and then sob uncontrollably when you ask a valid clarifying question like, "define big?"


• A biological need to not eat anything other than potato chips and chocolate chip cookie dough vegan ice cream.


• A biological need to then sob uncontrollably when you ask a valid clarifying question like, "does that carton say that a serving size is two quarts, or did you just come up with that on your own?"


• A biological need to spend all day Sunday watching SportsCenter and re-runs of Chevy Chase movies on TNT (i.e., the male equivalent of spending all day Sunday watching It's Me or the Dog and re-runs of Renee Zellweger movies on Oxygen).


• A biological need to then sob uncontrollably when you ask a valid clarifying question like, "How did Clark Griswold bank enough PTO to go on all of these vacations?" (i.e., the female equivalent of asking a valid clarifying question like, "Why does Bridget Jones own so many f'ing diaries?")


• Sudden and painful cramps; these cramps typically occur when men are asked questions like, "Are you ready to go to Bed Bath and Beyond?" (Note: these disabling cramps are similar to the sudden and painful cramps that women suffering from PMS often experience when they're asked questions like "Are you ready to go to bed?")

So...as soon as you and your fellow ladies recognize the seriousness of PNS, we men will also recognize the seriousness of PMS.

Jill's Follow-Up: First of all, I would not put it past you to ask a clarifying question like "define big". This is why I refrain from asking you such things. Secondly, this post explains a lot about all your sobbing I've been putting up with all these months. Maybe scientists need to find a cure for this horrible malady because it certainly is negatively affecting my life. And lastly, I feel an extra bad case of PMS coming on RIGHT NOW. What coincidental timing, huh?!

Staycation Report, Part II: ToxiCleanse!

For Staycation Report Part I, click here.

Jack is a pretty competitive person. And when I say that, I mean he is competitive about pretty much everything. For our second date, we played board games at his house, and he actually threatened to throw me out his 21st story window after I beat him. I think he was serious and maybe I should have run for my life at that point, but I didn't. So here we are: we compete over everything.

Jack and I both had full physicals a couple months back, and he even wanted to compete over that. "What was your cholesterol? I bet mine is lower"; "My potassium was SO good, the doctor was really impressed." Every single number he wanted to compare and compete. This is partially because Jack and I debate a lot over who has a healthier diet. I know that I'm the one with the healthier diet, but he can't accept that. Sure, his numbers were better than mine overall, but I chalk that up to genetics. Frankly, with my genetics it is amazing I'm not a raging alcoholic with diabetes and a weight problem, possibly also locked up in a mental institution. Oh, and I'd probably have a heart attack in that mental institution - because my genetics are THAT awesome. So the fact that my numbers are all within a healthy range is kind of amazing if you ask me.

Anyway, during our Staycation back in mid-December, Jack & I were each supposed to plan a day of activities. One of my chosen activities, because I am weird hippy and believe almost anything anyone tells me, was to go to this spa and get a ToxiCleanse. This means we went to this place and put our feet in buckets of water with some ion-cleansing-electro-magnetic-other-sciencey-words-that-confuse-people wristband thingy, and it purified our bodies over the course of a half hour (like magic!). The buckets of water turned murky with our toxins. Jack kept inspecting each bucket, proclaiming "your bucket is dirtier, you are so toxic!" and other comments like that. I insisted his was murkier, which he dismissed.

At the end, when the guy came to turn off our ToxiCleanse machines and dumped out the water, he said to Jack, "wow, yours is even dirtier than hers." I guess what I'm trying to say is I WON.

Jack's Two Cents: What the guy said was, "wow yours is even darker than hers." Darker, not dirtier. What Jill failed to mention was that each type of toxin had a different color (e.g., alcohol was black), so the fact that my water was darker does NOT mean that I'm more toxic. (It just means I drink more red wine, which is very good for your heart.) Jill's water included lighter but grosser and more dangerous toxins. Remember all of those white swirls that represented toxic flatulence (no, I'm not joking.) Didn't you also have flammable levels of yeast dripping out of your soles? I don't mean to be crude, but Jill's water was actually curdling!?!?! Hands down, I'm less toxic. So I win. End of story.

This just in: Jack makes things up. Love, Jill.

Five Things That Boil Jill's Blood

My sincerest apologies for the delay in posting this. Due to the extremely large number of things that boil my blood, it was something of a challenge to get it down to a mere 5. So, without further adieu:

1. Invasion of my personal space. Sometimes I wish I could wear a large hula hoop around my mid-section everywhere I go. Maybe it'd be electrified too, so that should anyone try to get that close to my person they'd get a little shock. You see, I can't stand it when people crowd me - it drives me insane. Literally, I think I lose a little bit of my already fragile and questionable sanity. Jack has learned this over the past several months when he's invited me to crowded standing-room-only concerts. Having to prevent your girlfriend from beating the crap out of strangers who come just a little too close has proven to be a little much for poor Jack. It's possible I won't get these kinds of invitations anymore.


2. Pretentiousness. Ooh, you're rich and buy fancy things and go to fancy places, OOOHHHH! Get over yourself, okay? My personal opinion is that people who are all about wearing $300 t-shirts, and going to bars where the drinks are $20 a pop, must have pretty empty lives. I mean, just because you have a successful career, savings in the bank, and a small island in the Caribbean and all I have is this blog, $42.38 and some pocket lint doesn't mean you're better than me. So there!


3. When people argue with me about what I eat. I'm vegan. You're not. Hooray for you, I don't care! It really is unbelievable how many people like to make fun of my food choices. The worst part is how unoriginal most of the comments are: "You like pigs? I like pigs too - I LIKE TO EAT THEM" or "Hey, Jill, don't you ever get sick of just eating lettuce and tofu?" At least people could be creative about it. Or shut up. That would be nice too.


4. Karaoke. I know this is a weird thing to get upset about, but for crying out loud, have you heard some of those people sing? Nobody good ever does karaoke, and on the rare occasions that someone actually is good, I can't help but think: "SHOW OFF". (I'm mean, aren't I?)
   
   
5. Being Hungry. Jack will probably write a post someday called "Jill, the Hungry Monster" because, well, I become something of a monster when I'm hungry. I can't help it. I just get angry when I'm hungry. I kind of understand why people in developing countries start wars. If I were hungry all the time, I'd be pirating stuff too. Guaranteed.

(To read Jack's list, go here.)

Jack Takes a Stand Against Mantyhose

Hi. Jack here. Remember that post I wrote about how comfortable I was with my masculinity? And how nothing I could wear or do would make me feel like less of a man?

Well, maybe I spoke to soon? Perhaps I’m not as progressive as I thought…because I just can't seem to get on board with mantyhose.

Fellas, am I being conservative or do mantyhose cross the line?

Ladies, what would your reaction be if your man started rockin’ some hosiery?